He's Here!

Well, after a long hiatus, I am back to announce our son's arrival.  At 8:50 am on April 1, 2009, Matthew was yanked out of my uterus on an operating table, and came screaming into this world.  He is beautiful, and he is ours.  I will have to post a picture soon.

Additionally, I want to post my birth story and thoughts about caesarean section overall at another time, as I am too sleep deprived to put together any coherent thoughts right now.

Overall though, today I'm looking for some support and reassurance here . . .

Between trying to recover from major surgery, having a newborn come into our home and completely overhaul the way we live, and breastfeeding trials and tribulations, I feel myself quickly sinking into some sort of depression.  I know the sleep deprivation and the plummeting hormones have a lot to do with is, but I have found myself crying a lot over the past couple of days.

We're trying to make sure Matthew puts on weight (he lost quite a bit in the hospital), and thus feeding him every two hours.  And its getting old very quickly.  All the free formula that came to me in the mail or home with us from the hospial is looming large - and I feel like we're only a rash 2 am decision away from using it. 

I am only a week into the breastfeeding thing and already thinking about quitting, and of course feeling guilty about it.  Every two hours doesn't sound like much when you think about it, but in reality, it feels like its ALL THE TIME!  One of or main problems is that at night I can barely get him to stay awake for 15 minutes to feed one side.  He falls asleep, I try to wake him up a million ways, but we get nowhere.   Then I put him down in the bassinett, and he lasts 3 minutes before hes crying – because hes still hungry.  Put him back on the breast, 2 minutes, he’s asleep again.  Repeat this pattern many times between 1 and 5 am and you can imagine about where my sanity level is right now.

 

And I have all these wild thoughts zooming through my head like "what were we thinking" kind of thoughts, which I of course feel horrible about - who thinks this way about a little life you've been fighting to bring into this world for years?

 

Any advice or comments (of the supportive kind) are more than welcome here - I won't be crying like this every day for the rest of his infancy, right??

Comments

[The Steadfast Warrior]

Congratulations! I don't know how I missed your news! I'm really hoping things are better and you guys have settled in. Can't wait to hear your update.

[grad3]

It seems like you have gotten all the advice you need-- so CONGRATS!!! Ahhh :)) Thrilled for you!

I know that it's so so hard but it will pay off (you know it will)-- Huge hugs to you and your family!! Yay!!!!

[hopefulmother]

I wanted to first say CONGRATULATIONS!!!! This has been a very very long road for you and I couldn't be happier for you.

Second, to echo many of the previous commenters: absolutism is a bad thing. Give yourself a break whenever you can/need to and try try try NOT to worry. I had full intentions of exclusively breastfeeding the twins until 6 mos. and had to alter my expectations to fit my supply and time reality, which ended up being pumping b-milk and giving both boys b-milk and formula via bottle. It worked for us. You'll need to go through some trial and error to figure out what works for you both physically and emotionally. It is a very draining process.

And YES IT DOES GET BETTER - but it's so hard to know that if you've never seen "better."

Hugs to you, Sherry.

[a]

Every two hours means you get a 15 minute break between feedings. No wonder you're tired. I think the very Victorian word "overset" describes the first few weeks after birth to a tee. Everything is just too much.

As far as the breastfeeding goes, you can stick with it, if you're determined. I second the cold washcloth treatment for the wakeup call. He'll respond to that. But newborns are LAZY.

So, you've got some free formula. Have you noticed times when your supply seems low? I was always low in the afternoons, so we'd give my daughter a bottle at 3 pm. You can supplement if you are worried that he's not eating enough. My (less-than-expert) theory is that because babies get much more volume of formula to supply the same amount of nutrients as breastmilk, their little stomachs get stretched out. So, when our girl was very small, we'd only give her 1/2 to 1 oz of formula to fill her up. It seemed to work - she nursed for a year before weaning herself.

If you want to quit, don't beat yourself up. A happy mom and a happy baby go hand in hand.

[Kristen]

Congratulations, sweetie and welcome to the world Matthew!

As far as BFing, it is very difficult those first few weeks. Try to stimulate him as he feeds: stroke his head and arms, strip him down so you can lay belly to belly with skin to skin contact. Baby bellies are the size of a marble right now so they don't need very much at a time but they eat ALL THE TIME.

If you can hang in there, it DOES get easier. Hard to imagine, I know. But it will become like second nature. You just need to get more acquainted with each other. Contact me anytime to vent or get a ton of assvice :)

[fattypants]

Congratulations!

First off if you are feeling like you have ppd please talk to your dr. There is nothing wrong with admitting you need help. I experienced this with my first and it can creep up and take over like mold.

Secondly breastfeeding sucks sometimes. My son was jaundiced and so he wanted to sleep all. the . time. We finally had to start undressing him and rousing him with a chilly wet wash cloth to get him to eat. It sounds mean, but its the best thing the lactation nurse showed me. After a few days he seemed to snap out of his sleepiness and started eating better. You can totally supplement. It doesn't mean you can't breastfeed. If you are worried about your supply pumping is a great option too. It can be an uphill battle but once things get a bit easier it is so worth it.

[s c]

Crying is normal. You have to judge for yourself whether you are sinking into a true depression, into a deep pit or an acceptable indentation. I cried for six weeks. I cried at the mere idea of sweetness or profundity. That will get better, but you have to be careful of yourself and judge at what point it gets to the point that it colors your feelings about things you normally think are good. In other words, if you start believing that your child or your life in general is ... well ... iffy or less, then it's time to ask for help. If you still believe in the good things, but simply cannot keep your eyes dry, and if you believe that time will help, then you are probably simply normally miserable.

I had one failed breastfeeding experience and one that seemed also to be failing, but ultimately worked, much to my amazement. I learned some things from this second sleepy baby who also stayed attached for hours and hours, remained hungry, never woke enough to eat correctly (at first):
1) contrary to what I was told, giving her an occasional bottle -- and in the beginning a bottle several times a day -- did not mean I was unable to breastfeed. It's a slope, but not a slippery one. It is possible to give additional bottles, then slowly reduce their frequency as you feel the baby has enough, and end up with a breast-fed, bottle-assisted baby. If you feel Matthew really needs food and simply isn't getting it well enough from the breast, then give him some formula! And don't feel bad! And don't make that assumption that some formula inevitably leads to all formula. If you keep on offering the breast, it will continue to be part of his diet, and become part of his routine. I aimed for 50%, and decided I would be happy maintining that ratio, though finally ended up with far more breastmilk. (Incidentally, I decided not to pump, because I had pumped for #1 and hated it. I decided that I'd rather that #2 have less brestmilk and I be happier, which meant not pumping. That's a personal decision, though. Your supply can increase according to the baby's sucking without pumping.)
2) supply anxiety is generally misguided. 98% of women have enough, even though only about 50% of women in our part of the world think so. You don't need much milk. You need enough, and that your body has. The trick is getting your baby to a healthy weight at first and teaching him to try to get some from the breast.
3) babies, including my daughter who is now nearly 7 months, can sleep feed. It's not an efficient system, but just because they're sleeping doesn't mean they're not getting anything in.
4) your body does produce milk even when you have not gotten sleep. (This was a particular aggravation of mine: how can I have enough milk when I am not sleeping?) which does not mean you should give up on sleep. If giving a bottle gives you a stretch of 3 hours, then do so. You might cry a bit less the next day.
5) Babies will take a bottle and drink quite a bit even when they have had a decent breast meal. Drinking more from a bottle does not mean there is insufficient breast milk. You're going to have to judge otherwise.
6) all forms of absolutism in this dreadful postpartum period are useless. absolute formula, absolute nursing, absolute satisfaction and fulfillment: not helpful. Go easy on yourself.

Too much assvice? I'm sorry. I was just driven to write b/c I know the misery, but survived. And incidentally the 7-month-old is a DE child, DE fresh cycle #3. Having tried so hard to get there did not make the there any easier.

[ella]

Congratulations!
I know those nights. The breastfeeding gets better after a few weeks and then you are happy not to have to deal with bottles, preparing etc. I was really tempted to feed formula too, but in hindsight I'm so glad I didn't.

[Theresa]

Congrats. I am so happy for you. The night I brought my baby home from the hospital he wouldn't stop crying. And I was crying. And my mom came up. She got a bottle ready. Fed it to him. And laid him down. He was just hungry she told me. He had been attached to me ALL day!! I tried to breast feed but I had a big boy who never got full. After a bottle, he would settle and so could I. But still I remember those first SCARY days! But they will pass. People told me that and I didn' believe them. But he just turned 5 in March. And he is perfect.

[CAB]

I tried and tried and tried to breastfeed, and it didn't work. I cried and cried and cried and finally gave in to formula. I look back now and think "gee, I'm SO glad I decided to go with the formula!". My husband is able to share in the responsibility of feeding 50/50 with me. We both get to bond while feeding AND we both get to be rested and not resentful!

[Rebeccah]

First of all, Congratulations!!!! I'm so happy for you.

I obviously didn't breastfeed, but even so, being a mom of a newborn is HARD. The sleep deprivation was the real killer for me. It's still a challenge, but it DOES get better. Please make sure that you ask people to help you -- ask them to come in and hold the baby, do your laundry, whatever it takes to keep you sane. I found that other moms were particularly willing to help, because they remember exactly what it is like. I agree with Heather too about pumping if you can, because then someone besides you can take a feeding, which will give you a chance to sleep or shower.

Hang in there -- you will survive this!

[Heather]

My heart aches for you. Wish I could be there to hold your hand. I know this feeling. Katherine is six months old now and breastfeeding is easy. But, WOW, those first weeks - yikes! I only survived because my mother was there and got up with me every feeding.

Every two hours is often because it takes an hour and a half to get through one feeding so you only get a half hour break. We tried wet wash clothes, naked baby, singing, bouncing her - anything to keep her awake.

It WILL get better. This will not last forever. Feel free to email me...I'll pass on any assvice I can. Until then, take care of you - if you get a moment and can pump and let someone else feed the baby - DO IT!