Fertile yet Infertile ?

I am bewildered

Well it was all good news today.  Yet I still feel bewildered and frustrated.

Today I was scheduled for the biopsy - fine needle aspiration - of my thyroid nodule.  I arrived at the big city hospital about 10 minutes early, only to sit around and wait to be called  - in a hot, crowded, temporary waiting room.  While I was in there the woman next to me sobbed and sighed and shifted position in her (uncomfortable) waiting room chair about 25 times.  Not sure what was wrong with her but she was clearly not a happy camper.  I found myself thinking "please please don't let your bad sick vibes rub off on me."  Awful, isn't it?

Anyway they brought me into the room.  I answered some questions for a resident who reminded me of Christina Yang from Grey's Anatomy, but with a lot less going for her in the interpersonal skills department.  Eventually the Dr. came in.  She turned on the ultrasound machine, poked around my neck a bit, took some measurements, and finally said "Why are you here?"

She went on and on about how this nodule is so small that she couldn't believe my endocrinologist had ordered this test.  When I explained the situation, and that I hadn't even SEEN said endocrinologist yet, but was told to go as a preemptive move, she was still emphatic.  "I have worked with Dr. M extensively.  And I am 99% sure he would look at these films and tell you not to worry one bit." 

Apparently Dr. M is in Africa caring for his ailing mother.  It was his OFFICE STAFF who recommended the biopsy without even seeing my report or films.  Eventually we decided to forgo the biopsy.  She promised that IF Dr. M recommends the biopsy anyway, she will get me in next week to stay ahead of the curve on the IVF cycle.

Crazy.  On the one hand - obviously its great news they think the nodule is nothing - and that it is not even worth a biopsy.  In this litigious world we live in, I feel at peace with the assessment.  If there were even a shadow of concern, I know she would have done the biopsy, no questions asked. 

However, its another series of annoying medical mis-steps and frustrations and phone calls I've had to endure that resulted in weeks of worrying (my GOD - I could have CANCER) AND the postponement of the IVF cycle that at this point, has been three years in the making.

I am exhausted.  Next step - see the endocrinologist Friday morning to confirm he doesn't want to do the biopsy.  In about 10 days I should get my period and hopefully I will be clear to start the b/c pills.

Whew, people - how much more drama can a girl take?

Confirmed

Well, yesterday my biggest fear of the week was confirmed.  We have to put off the IVF cycle.

Friday I was able to schedule a Fine Needle Aspiration Biopsy for 7/18.  Endocrinologist will be a few days later.  I thought we'd be able to hang onto this cycle - by a thread, but it would still happen, I reasoned.  And then I was reminded, once again - that this is me we're talking about here.  COME ON, SHERRY!  Nothing comes easy to you.  Another roadblock?  You should not be surprised - you should have been expecting it!

I got my period and called the RE's office to get my next steps from them.  Of course the nurse calls back and leaves a message that they'd rather not put me on birth control when I am having the thyroid evaluated in a few weeks.

I freaked.  As in had to call my therapist today because I feel like just running away and changing my name.  I KNOW it is only another month.  With all the buildup and anxiety to get here - it was so close, I could almost touch it.  And now its been yanked out from under me again.  And in addition to more waiting - I have to walk around for the next few weeks knowing that I have to have a biopsy.  However remote the chance, I could have cancer.

Cancer - that just killed my cousin.  Cancer - that I dreamed about having a few weeks ago.

I swear I don't know how much more shit I am supposed to have to handle.  I'm just completely emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted right now.  I need to move on to the next phase of my life - whatever that is supposed to be.  I need to know how the next chapter starts.  It's like we're getting towards the end of a VERY BAD movie . . . you know, when you think its over, but then for some reason - the torture continues, and there is another scene, and another, and another - and you end up looking at your watch ten times, wondering when its just going to be DONE ALREADY!

And again I hear that little voice in the back of my head.  You know, the one who keeps trying to tell me that all these problems, all these twists and turns and wrecks on this long road, are just someone's way of telling me maybe I shouldn't have kids.  Maybe I don't deserve them.  Maybe I'm not good enough.  Maybe I am tempting the fates by trying over and over - and if I am lucky enough to actually have a baby - something even worse will happen then. 

I just feel like I am one major disappointment.

Thyroid Part Deux

So the saga continues.  Though I am feeling a little less freaked out that this cycle will get cancelled now, I am still pretty nerve-wracked.

The RE's office got me an appointment with an endocrinologist colleague for July 20.  Which seems far away to me.  But they want me to just go ahead and have the aspiration/biopsy before I get in there.  So we are also trying to coordinate a radiology appointment, and make sure it happens prior to my July 20 appointment.  This way he will have everything in front of him before I meet with him and then we can decide on a course of action from there.

Meanwhile I will be cd 1 any day now and ready to start my b/c pills to get this cycle going.  Like I really needed one more thing to stress about at this point. 

I just can't bear the thought of having to put the cycle off again.  After having lived your life in the no-baby limboland I have been in for three years - a month just seems like an eternity to me right now.

At least I have a long weekend ahead of me with very little in the way of plans.  I plan to make (and consume) several pitchers of mojitos over the next few days!

WTF

I don't even know how to process what happened today.

Coming off a long three weeks, waiting for my period to show up - I am just SO ready to get this IVF thing started already.  Instead, I am in limbo - AGAIN.

A few weeks ago, I saw my GP.  I was feeling some gastro-intestinal symptoms.  Strange sensation when I swallowed - like there is a big pill stuck in my esophagus. . . and lots of heartburn.  The other night I even woke up with acid in the back of my throat.  Gross.  Probably something simple like GERD, right?  Ah, fair reader, (ok I have none - but one can hope) you know nothing can be that simple here!

Well, when I saw the doc, he felt my thyroid and thought it felt "nodular."  Along with a barium swallow test - YUK - he ordered a thyroid ultrasound.  Yesterday I got the results.  Barium swallow - unremarkable except for a "minimal posterior impression on the esophagus in the cervical region."  Dr. said he has no idea what that even means.  Note to self:  get new GP.  He thinks the gastro symptoms may be GERD but thinks I should see a specialist.

More disturbing - I have a nodule on my thyroid.  Apparently the worst case scenario is that it's cancerous.  However it is unlikely that it is.  But now that we know its there, we need to find out if it is.  He wants me to see an endocrinologist.  And get a nuclear medicine study.  Told him about the upcoming IVF.  He said "ohhhhhh."  and crumpled up the scrip for the study.

So last night I e-mailed my RE, Dr. Clinical (LOVE him!) and ask his opinion.  He emails me back first thing this morning and says he concurs I should see an endo.  And that I should do it ASAP in order to not postpone my treatment.  I wrote back and asked for some good names, and any ideas on how to avoid waiting a month to get an appointment (which the gp told me is pretty typical).  Within an hour, Dr. Clinical's nurse called me with 2 endo names SHE was calling to get me an appt ASAP.  No appointment yet but I am hopeful we'll know something tomorrow.

I am alternatively terrified by two things:

1.  This will take too long to resolve and we will have to wait yet another month to start this IVF.  I can't take the waiting anymore.  The thought of it had me crying at my desk today.

2.  I have to have a biopsy - and wait a week to hear if I have cancer or not.  I know the odds are in my favor - apparently lots of people have these and 95% of the time, they are nothing.  But so many thoughts swirl through my mind.  Like the fact that I have been on the wrong side of those odds SO MANY times.  I mean come on - how many women conceive THREE TIMES and have three different "random" genetic errors?!  And the other haunting thing...

I had a very close family member die of lung cancer about a month ago.  He was like a big brother to me.  He gave me away at my wedding.  He was 46.  I still think of him everyday.  Shortly after his death, when I had time to actually sleep - I had this dream that was so real - where the doctors were sticking a needle in my neck to take a biopsy because I most likely had cancer.

In my NECK, people!