Fertile yet Infertile ?

Regrouping

I know - I've been among the missing the past couple of weeks.

The week after my negative beta, I had a week long leadership institute 'thing' to go to for work.  It was 9 hours of classes a day, combined with being broken into working groups that are given these large strategic problems to solve.  We have 6 weeks to work through them, go back for another week, and then present our solutions to senior management.

The week was hellacious.  12 hour days, being trapped in a small room with a bunch of people you've just met, many of them with very strong, controlling personalities.  ugh.  I was in a very vulnerable place that week, I just found getting through it was very hard.  I called T one night in tears, saying "I want to come home..."

Things are somewhat better now, but not great.  I have my moments.  Sometimes I'm philosophical, knowing we've tried so hard and done so much to try to reach this goal, there's no sense in any regret.  But then there are times when I am just so ANGRY.  Why me?  Why us?  Why can't we just have ONE baby.  That is all I asking for.  And other times I'm just uncontrollably sad.  Mourning the normal life we were supposed to have the past five years - as compared with our days that have instead been full of loss, pain, sadness, anger, needles, anxiety . . .

In any case we met with the RE today.  She was kind, and without saying so directly, basically told us its time to give up on using my eggs.  The embryologist apparently felt strongly that my egg quality is pretty compromised.  And after having been through so many cycles over the past couple of years, there's not a lot of reason to hope for pregnancy with my eggs.

So we can switch gears to a donor at this point, and/or consider donated embryos.  They don't have much of a supply of donated embryos, but you never know.  We had them put us on the list - there is no cost associated with it, and we can always say no when/if there are embryos offered to us.

So we have the egg donor packet, and we are seriously considering it.  Its odd - before we started this cycle, I was certain if it didn't work, and they recommended donor eggs, I would say no - and that we've had enough.  But yet, here and now, I don't feel 'done' yet.  Call me crazy, but somewhere down there, I think I still have hope.  Who knew?

The RE mentioned, and I completely agree, that we should use a proven donor.  We had such a bad experience before - I have no interest in repeating that.  Apparently they have a pretty good supply of donors, and the average wait time is around 3 months or so.

So we're thinking about it, but leaning strongly that way.  And that's where we are. 

How are all of you?

Hope Defeated

Well ladies, first I want to thank all of you for your hope-boosting comments.  They meant a lot to me on a day I had let myself sink low down into the pit of despair you all know so well.  And for the past 48 hours, I was able to climb out of it and still see hope peeking into the window, even if it was only through the crack in the curtains that were almost fully drawn.

Unfortunately, the hope was short-lived, as today was beta day.  The doctor called about an hour ago and told me my test was negative.  He told me my case would be reviewed in a group meeting tonight with input from embryology, and that they would discuss what could be improved upon and future steps.  I have to schedule a follow-up appointment with them to go over all of this.

I feel pretty numb right now.  I'm going to leave work in a bit - about an hour early.  T wanted me to go home now, but there is no point in it.  I'll just go home, curl up in a ball on the couch and wallow if I do that.  There's work to be done here and I can pretend for a couple more hours that my world isn't falling completely apart.

T and I have already briefly chatted about the future - and though I never would have thought we'd feel this way, we're actually considering another cycle.  Everything went so well this time (well except for the 'sorta' over-stimulation causing half my eggs to be unusable!) that we felt like we had the best shot at this so far in our long IF career.  So we'll see what conclusions the docs come to, and go from there I guess.

By sheer coincidence I have a therapy appointment tonight.  I don't even know if I feel enough right now to talk about - like I said, I feel pretty numb.  But I'm sure it will be helpful nonetheless.

Again, thank you all so much for the support and stopping by to leave comments.  It means the world to me to have strong women like all of you by my side while we all go through this crap that is infertility.

Not Good

About 4:30 this morning, when I thought my bladder was going to burst, I got up and took a home test.

Completely negative.  And it was one of those "early" tests too.  Today is 12dpo or 7dp5dt.  I would think I should be able to see at least a faint line at this point, no?

I got back into bed.  T cried a little.  I didn't.  I just lay there staring at the ceiling alternating between being furious (I considered going into the garage to get the sledgehammer to destroy all the walls in our room that has stayed painted baby blue and empty except for an ironing board since we lost our first in 2003) and thinking, "now what?"

I did fall asleep again at some point - I think it was around 6.  I got out of bed a couple of minutes ago.

I was so hopeful, so sure this worked.  I feel like a fool.

Symptom Tracker

A quick update as I am super busy at work and the way things have been at home lately, I get home, change, eat dinner and promptly fall asleep on the couch before 9.

Today is 9 dpo, or 4dp5dt for those playing along at home.

Tuesday into yesterday, with yesterday being the worst, I had cramping.  Like - swear AF is coming cramping.  And an especially ever-present dull aching in my lower back.  ALL DAY.

Now - the nurse on ET day made a big point of saying how spotting, cramping, etc are all side effects of the medicine and they don't mean I am not pg, nor do they mean I am.  However, I have to say this is the first time I had such intense cramping.  And I can't help but think it is a good thing.  Its mostly dissipated - I've just a twinge here and there today.

Otherwise I have the usual PIO symptoms I get every time - dog tired, sore boobs, waking up in the middle of the night to pee, etc.

Luckily, like I said, work has been nuts, so the days have just been flying by.  The big question is when I will let myself test.  I am still thinking Sunday - 12dpo.

I have a blood test tomorrow - E2 and P4 levels only.

PLEASE.  Let the cramping be "something." !!!!

Sigh of Relief

This morning around 9, with hands shaking, I dialed the embryology lab.  The news was so much better than we expected.  5 out of 10 of our embryos were diagnosed chromosomally normal.  Unfortunately, 3 of those were not looking great, but 2 were progressing nicely.  The best news was that those two are from T's sperm.

They will try and grow the other three out to freeze tomorrow, but the embryologist didn't have high hopes for that.

Though I am disappointed about not having anything to freeze, I am beyond thrilled that we have two beautiful embies resting comfortably inside my uterus right now - and the fact that they are products of both T and I, well - it may be th Val.ium, but that makes me a bit weepy.  We both cried tears of joy after getting off the phone with the embryologist.  Such relief!  While we had tried to remain positive over the weekend, it was hard - and we found ourselves having more than one conversation about what we would do if there were no normals to transfer.  Thank goodness, there was no need.

Now I just need to be good to myself, keep up some "Zen," and wait until next Tuesday.  Or at least the weekend - my self imposed timeframe whee I will allow myself to think about testing at home.

Now onto lunch on the couch followed by some pampering by my sweetie.

And Then there were Ten

Ten is our number.  There were ten embryos suitable for biopsy this morning.  They were split evenly between those fertilized by T and those by the donor.

I'm still not feeling great about this.  Does anyone know what a typical attrition rate is for fertilized embryos to day 3?  I'm feeling unsettled about how many we've lost, and how it turns out we have five from each "fertilizer."  Like maybe this points more to my eggs being the problem than the sperm?

I don't know.  Maybe I'm just freaking because all of this is out of my control now.  None of it is growing inside my body - its all in a lab somewhere.  ugh.

Its just so hard when you've been down this road before, had a good number of embryos sent to pgd, and then ended up with nothing to transfer.

Transfer is set for 11 Sunday morning.  I have to be there at 10:30, but we have to call before we leave to make sure there are normal embryos there - the pgd report won't come in until Sunday morning.  I am SO not interested in that happening again.  It was devastating.

I have to find something to occupy myself for the weekend so I don't obesess over this.

Next hurdle . . . Friday

Well, the embryologist called this morning.  We have 15 total fertilized embryos cooking.  7 are from T's sperm, and 8 are from the donor's.

They are being biopsied on Friday morning, and I'm supposed to call them Friday afternoon to find out how many were suitable for biopsy.  Transfer will be Sunday.

Fifteen is a great number, no doubt.  But I can't help being a little shocked that little more than half of the eggs fertilized.  I suspected we would have a good number of immature eggs, but not that many.

With our track record of diminishing numbers of embryos and poor PGD results, now I am back to feeling nervous about the number 15.  I have to look back at our previous cycles and see what they looked like.  I think in the first cycle we had 12 biopsied and 4 normal.  In the second round there were more than that - maybe 16 and every single one was abnormal.  So having been through the wringer before, it seems I am letting the pessimism seep in, though my ZEN attitude.

I have to find the ZEN again...

HcG makes Sherry a Happy Gal!

Well another early wake up call and long ride got me to the clinic ten minutes before they opened - to see 4-5 other women waiting ahead of me to get in the door.  UGH!  I have found this place to be very efficient though, so at least the wait wasn't bad.

I laid down on the table and when the doc came in she said "so you may be getting HcG today?"  And she laughed when I said "God, I hope so!"  I've been very uncomfortable lately, and just physically drained.  She had barely gotten the probe in when she declared "yup - you're ready!"  Amen!  My biggest follicle measured up around 20mm or so.

So - HcG at 10:30 tonight, bloodwork again tomorrow morning, and report to the surgical suite at 9:30 Tuesday morning for retrieval.

Thanks for the comments on the issue with my friend.  I'm trying not to worry too much about it.  There's one other friend involved, a single guy.  He and I have emailed a couple times over the weekend and I mentioned I thought she was annoyed once or twice - which he conveniently didn't respond to either time, even though he did comment on other things or answer various questions in his responses.  This is my second bit of evidence she is mad, and must have said something to him - and now he's trying to stay out of it.  If she really is annoyed, she should try to talk to me about it, no?  Which I know she won't - this is the friend who didn't have to guts to call me and tell me about her second pregnancy ("an accident," she called it) but sent me an e-mail instead.  If she doesn't approach me, I'm just going to keep quiet.  I have too much else on my plate right now to sweat this stuff. 

Who needs friends anyhow?  Ha!

Dragging

OK, I've had enough stims.  Any day now, a trigger shot would be nice!

I was in for monitoring this morning - again to the office that's an hour away.  I think I'm up around 16 follicles, all in the 12 - 16 mm range.  I may get my HcG tomorrow, maybe Monday.  It all depends on how things look tomorrow.  A Saturday and Sunday with 5:45 wake up calls = lazy weekend.

I've been exhausted the past couple of days.  Its probably all the drugs built up in my system or my body working hard to make these eggs - I don't know, but I just can't seem to get enough sleep.

My annoying story from the week - a friend of mine, this one - has decided to host a brunch.  She has twins who are just shy of two years old, and a newborn - about a month old.  She's inviting two couples,  friends I have completely drifted apart from - mostly because I've been wallowing in the pit of IF while they all move on with their lives, and they have no idea how to show me any support whatsoever.  Well one of these couples has three kids, the other has an almost 2 year old boy, and is pregnant with number two.  Now - the friend is only hosting this brunch because she feels "guilty" that one of the others in the group sent all her kids gifts when the baby was born.  At this event, I count 6 kids, one newborn and a pregnant woman.  Why on earth would I want to go?  I very politely declined, and mentioned that timing would be tricky because of the cycle.  Did I get an email back saying she understood?  One that inquires about the cycle or wishes us luck?  Nope, nothing.  So I'm taking from this that she is annoyed with me for saying no.  I swear, I am so tired of people not having a clue - or even caring to give a second thought to how I might be feeling.

I so wish that one of the side effects of the 4 years of infertility wasn't finding out just how many ways people I once called my close friends could completely disappoint me and make me feel so alone.

Stims - Day 9

After Tuesday's post, doc called and told me to reduce my stim dose.  I imagine my E2 was getting a bit high for his liking - that seems to happen to me each cycle.

Went in for monitoring today and no doc, so the nurse did the u/s while I got to write down all my follicle measurements.  I had 8 cooking on the left and 7 on the right, all ranging from 9-12mm or so.  Dr. Young called at lunch time to tell me to keep my dose and come back on Saturday.  I have to say I like this every other day thing - my other two IVF cycles required 10-12 straight days of 5 am wake-up calls.

What I am not liking is the pounding headache I have had since I got up this morning.  I tried to avoid taking something but had to cave tonight and take two tylenol.  I swear it felt like someone was stabbing me in the head.  Not sure if it was tension or exhaustion or a drug side-effect or what.

I do know the Cetro*tide is kicking my ass big-time.  I haven't felt great since I started that one.  My appetite is crappy, I'm exhausted all the time and I just feel like, I don't know - BLECH.

I'm hoping trigger will be Saturday but thinking it could end up being Sunday too.  We'll see.

Next dilemma is how to tell my boss out of the blue I may need to be out two days next week - then again maybe one?  ugg.