Fertile yet Infertile ?

Relieved, happy, disappointed, sad

All of the feelings above bolted through me in the brief time we were in the ultrasound room this morning.  We had an unfamiliar doctor - when I saw him getting out of his car in the parking lot, my heart sank.  I don't even know him, and I hate getting bad news from unfamiliar faces, I thought.

Relieved and happy first.  I saw the sac right away and knew it was bigger than last week.  I also saw the flickering heart on the mini-screen my RE practice has that faces the patient so you can see while lying down on the table.  The bean was measuring perfectly with respect to my dates - 6w6d exactly.

Disappointed and sad - the second sac still looked the same.  I could barely identify anything in there (Dr. unfamiliar said the fetal pole is very small) and there's definitely no heart activity.  I cried a bit on the way home.  We both cried more when we got there.  While the concept of twins terrified me, it was also thrilling.  We have always wanted at least two children - and I thought this could be a stroke of luck for us.  After 5 years of pain, we'd get our two in one shot.  But of course, its not to be.

Don't get me wrong, we're over the moon about having one, and that things seem to be going smoothly in there.  I want to bring this little one home so badly it hurts.  But it also hurts to know that there was another life in there, at least for a little while - but we won't get to meet him/her.  Its just a very conflicted feeling.

And of course there's my ever-present post-traumatic-stress-type thinking or whatever you may call it, where my eyes see the flickering heart, my brain knows that perfect date measurements are great, and the odds are that this pregnancy will continue - but my heart just refuses to let the concept in any more than a distant hope.  I pray I find a way beyond this sometime soon - I truly do.  I wish somebody could tell me how.  As if I could learn it by reading a book or watching an instructional video or something.

I feel nothing.

4 days post 5 day transfer.

I realize in my last post I didn't make it clear that they were able to thaw my lone frozen embie and transfer that.  It looked good as it thawed and was rehydrating well, etc.  The transfer was smooth, much better than last time when there seemed to be a lot of "poking around" trying to get to the right spot.

I have been obsessing all day about not "feeling" anything yet.  I don't "feel" pregnant.  I know it is early and realistically probably too early to feel anything, but I am just desparate right now.  The only thing I am feeling is butt soreness.  I have been on PIO shots now for over two weeks, and its really starting to get to me.  I'm uncomfortable in my chair at work routinely now, and am developing big bruises on both cheeks.  A lovely sight to see, I am.

And emotionally, I don't know where I am.  Exhausted and sad.  Angry and confused.  I can't even bear to let myself think this one little embie could have implanted.  I feel like the let down (when I find out it didn't) will be too much for me to handle.  Then, I keep feeling "guilty" about not thinking positively.  I am supposed to be hopeful - my body needs me to think positively, right?  While I know logically that just the lone act of being pessimistic can't possibly keep this pregnancy from developing, I feel like I am jeopardizing everything.  But then, I can't FORCE myself to believe this is going to work.  When I look at the stack of evidence  - I know it says it won't, it can't!

I don't know.  I realize I am not making much sense - I am just needing to pour words onto a page right now.  I have a progesterone level check tomorrow - but considering I am on the shots and two suppositories a day, I'm pretty sure it will be fine.

I can't believe I have another whole week before my pregnancy test.

I can't believe this is my life. 

Happy Birthday, T

Well, today is T's birthday.  It was not a very happy one.  First, he's coming down with a cold.

Second, our day at the RE's office SUCKED SUCKED SUCKED.  Did I mention it sucked?

On the way there (its about an hour from the house) my cell phone rang.  It was one of the nurses.  When I saw the REs number come up, I knew it couldn't be a good sign. 

At that point, they had the preliminary PGD report and it didn't look good.  I had to call my acupuncturist on the fly to tell him there was a delay, which of course didn't jive with his schedule.

Ultimately the acupuncturist met us there and he did a preliminary treatment, and then had to leave.  I then laid on a hospital gurney for two hours waiting for some news while happy women paraded in and out of the procedure room, looking at their embryos and giggling.

My RE finally parted the curtains, said hi and asked if we had any questions.  I said "Yeah - do they have the final report yet?"  He was surprised, and thought we already knew.  All 13 embryos were chromosomally abnormal.  All 13.  By then they were already thawing my lone embie left from the last cycle for a transfer today.

We talked in generalities about what to do if this doesn't work.  He brought up the dreaded "donor egg" thing.  But then blanched when I reminded him we also have some sperm quality issues and said he'd have to look at all the numbers again and sit down with us to have a long talk about options.  However he told us not to give up on this little one, and that we need to focus on that for now.

I know he is right - but I have so many emotions and thoughts running through my mind.  I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm devastated, but most of all I am scared.  Now what?  I don't think another fresh cycle with our shitty genetic material makes any sense - certainly not at $5000 a shot cycle for PGD costs, and while we are quickly approaching our infertility lifetime maximum on our health insurance.  If not my little frozen embie, then what? 

When, when, WHEN is someone to explain to me what the HELL I have to do to catch a break in this life?  If you are trying to teach me some kind of lesson in humility, or submission - or whatever, I swear - you've broken me!  I give in already!  UNCLE!

Fertilization

Well, 17 out of the 21 eggs were mature.  They were all ICSI'ed and as of yesterday, 14 of them were fertilized and growing.

This morning, one arrested, but the other 13 were dividing away - between 2 and 5 cells, all of which they tell me is appropriate.

Tomorrow they will tell me how many they biopsied for the PGD - and then Monday when I get to the office, we get the results.  Man, do I hope we have more normal embies this time than last.

I set everything up with the acupuncturist today too.  It all happens around noon Monday.

I am a nervous wreck.  Tomorrow, I take T out for an expensive dinner for his birthday.  Sunday we go to my mother in laws for another birthday celebration.  At least I have some distractions ahead.

God I hope this works.

Quick update

I have an all day meeting today so I need to make it quick.

ER went well yesterday.  I am still kind of sore but otherwise feeling ok.  They were able to retrieve 21 eggs!  21!  I was floored.  All on a lower dose of stims than last cycle, when we got 16.

I hope that they aren't almost all crap like last time.  I should get a fertilization report sometime today.

Craziness!

Are we there yet?

Well, I did my HcG trigger shot last night.  They had to give me a half-dose again.  I didn't get the report of what my E2 was yesterday but I imagine its high enough that they are concerned.  I'm annoyed because Dr. G told me during our review of last month's failed cycle that he likes to be able to give the full HcG dose and feels it has an effect on the outcome.

I do not understand why on a lower stim dose, my ovaries are still exploding with eggs and my Estrogen actually appears to have shot up higher than it did last time - what is up with that?

I'm not sure who is doing the retrieval tomorrow but I plan to ask about it if I get the opportunity.

Wish me luck.  I will probably post Thursday morning and hopefully I'll have a fertilization report by then too.

I've got my finger on the trigger

Well my ovaries continue to produce eggs like they are going out of style.

This morning as the U/S Tech was counting follicles, she put her hand on my knee and said "Oh my dear LORD!"

I have 5 good sized follicles on each side ranging from 15-20 mm.  One each side I also have 4-5 follicles in the 14 mm range.  Yikes.  I was really expecting decreased output over last time based on the lower dose of stims.  I hope this isn't a bad thing.  I know that sounds crazy - but all those eggs in September didn't really yield the best batch of embryos, you know?

My E2 today was 2900.  Looking back, that's actually higher that it was on day 9 of stims last cycle, which also makes me nervous.  Last time my estrogen was so high they had to half dose my HcG and they were quite concerned about OHSS.

In any case, I'm lowering my stim dose tonight.  Back in the morning for u/s and bloods, but they think I will trigger tomorrow for a Wednesday retrieval.  I will be very glad to empty out the old ovaries - its getting quite uncomfortable walking around with these things.

My brain is practically off at this point.  I haven't been able to think coherent thoughts in what feels like a long time.  I'm just riding this out, trying to muster up some hope to get me through the next few weeks.  I swear I don't know how women do it - the ones who cycle continuously, over and over for months at a time.  This is only my second time, and its worn on me something awful.  I'm not sure how many more I could possibly have left in me.

Stim away

Not much new to report.  At this morning's ultrasound, it seems my left ovary got into the game so I have a few follicles going on both sides.

My E2 is 1027.  I've been obsessively comparing this cycle to last (go figure, one of us if's being obsessive about our cycles) and at this time in IVF #1, my E2 was 1400 something.  Seems like a big difference.  Guess I can chalk that up to the lower stim dose, I don't know.

I start Anta*gon tonight, with another dose tomorrow morning.  That shot is always more painful than the stims are for some reason.  I think its thicker or something, it causes a lot more irritation at the injection site - no WAY I could do that one in my stomach.

I had my last acupuncture treatment this morning until transfer.  I've really been enjoying those - I walk out of that place feeling really good.  Man do I hope it makes a difference in a few weeks though come transfer time!  If it does, I'll be a believer for life!

Stims Day 4

It seems to me that during my last cycle, the 10 days or so of stims went SO much more quickly.

Here I am on my 4th day of stims, having only shot myself up three times, and I am already bored with it.  I guess it mostly comes from knowing what to expect - last time everything was so exciting and new.  Wednesday morning is my first look at what the good old ovaries have been up to.

I find myself obsessively planning my possible ER/ET days because of all sorts of work stuff going on.  I'm freaking about a team meeting that is planned for next week that took weeks to coordinate a date on - and what I will say if I have to back out of it. 

I have to keep reminding myself it is mostly out of my control and worrying about it is not going to do anything to help the situation.

I'm also bummed because I had to break down and buy a stupid baby gift today for a shower.  Yet another couple who got married way after us and is much younger than we are is expecting.  My step-sister-in-law.  Young and broke, they are well on their way to babyhood.  I will NOT be attending the shower (I'm not that nuts) but had to get a gift on its way in the mail. 

While we are on that topic - a rant:  she is not due until February and has already registered for MONOGRAMMED items.  That REALLY burns me up for some reason.  The audacity to name your child and register for monogrammed things?  At 20 (ish) weeks?  Just being able to make assumptions like that - as to the health of your baby, the ultrasound being 100% correct, your pregnancy going smoothly for the rest of the time - the whole concept is so lost on me because of my experiences.  And that just makes me MAD.  No more innocence here, that's for sure.

Then again maybe I am just a bitter old lady.  Or it could just be the Follis*tim talking.

Time Flies

When you're on birth control pills!  Well, not really but I guess its as good an excuse as any for my lack of posts lately.

I suppose I just haven't felt the urge to write - like it would force my already obsessive self to be thinking or analyzing my situation any more than usual.

Baseline u/s was on Friday (10/20).  My ovaries looked nice and suppressed, and my estrogen was at a tawdry 10 so we are all systems go.  I start Follist*im 225 ius (down from 300 last time) on Friday.  Apparently they have a cluster of PGD women this month and they are trying to space us out so we all don't end up at retrieval at the same time.

All my meds are nicely stocked on a shelf in my closet.  I am just biding my time at this point until the fun begins.  I don't have another u/s until Day 5 of stims, which will be 11/1.

I'm feeling kind of numb about the cycle honestly.  I don't feel like allowing myself to hope is a good idea, but then again I'm trying not to be negative about it either.  Its really a precarious balancing act.  Its just hard to get yourself psyched up for a few weeks of needle stabs, early morning vaginal wanding, all followed by a possible disappointment at the end I guess.  Oh yeah, and did I mention the spending of thousands of dollars?  That's hard to feel good about.  Believe me, I'd spend as many thousands as it takes to have a baby and not think a second thought about it - but its the big bucks I feel like I've flushed down the drain at the end of a failed cycle that really hurt.

Its just hard - three years of this overwhelming sadness.  I want something good to happen to us again - something that will make us feel blessed for once instead of cursed.  Not too much to ask, right?