Fertile yet Infertile ?

Final

My beta yesterday was negative.  I guess I had at least one chemical pregnancy going on that just didn't take off.

I am crushed.  Though I have to say this isn't anywhere near as painful as any of my other losses (well at least yet), it is terribly painful.  I fully anticipated this would work.  And now I am left wondering why it didn't.  And if it will even be worth trying again - or if will just be a complete waste of emotion, time, and money.

I haven't spoken with the doctor to get his spin - I anticipate he will call me over the next few days so we can strategize.  I'm glad he hasn't called yet, because I'm just not ready to think about what to do now.

The results are in . . .

And they're not good.

Beta HcG 11 days post retireval: 6

Per the nurse, we are sticking with "the plan" (aka shots in the ass and suppositories in my hooch) until we do a repeat Beta Friday morning.  However, not feeling very hopeful over here.

Now what?

I couldn't even stay at work today after the nurse called - everytime my phone rang and somebody asked me a question, or I had to answer an e-mail I was like WHO CARES - my IVF cycle is failing!

So I called it quits.  Came home and laid on the couch staring at the walls.

I so hate being me.

I can' stand it anymore!

Too much time alone this weekend has brought me dangerously close to the edge.  You know the edge where you dance back and forth between hope and despair?  Just knowing that despair, the stronger of the two is DYING to push you over her way.

Sometimes I feel like this is bound to happen for us.  We did everything right.  Had a good stim cycle, followed all the instructions, put two great looking, genetically normal (well hopefully, they couldn't test ALL the chromosomes you know . . . ) embryos in - one was even hatching!  I've never had a problem "getting" pregnant before, so we know implantation isn't an issue, right?  Come on, at least one of these has to be growing in there!

But then other times - and they could come within minutes of the former - I just feel like we are doomed.  We've wasted a year trying to diagnose our problems, stumbling our way into IVF.  We're emotionally spent.  We've invested a significant amount of savings into this venture.  And who are we to expect it to work the first time?  I mean come on - EVERYONE (even my mother in law) likes to remind me that it takes most couples 3 tried to make it work, right?  Of course none of them know that really doesn't account for the PGD procedure we did - many IVF cycles fail because its almost impossible to tell a chromosomally normal embryo from an abnormal one, especially when they are growing at the same pace....but nonetheless, I have been reminded of this routinely during our cycle.

I don't know.  I am tired of waiting for this test.  At least tomorrow I will be at work, which is somewhat distracting so that should help.  Then again - sometimes during the week, I get into this mood (hard not to do lately) where I look around me - at the people I work with, at the stuff I am doing . . . as completely unimportant in the grand scheme of things.  A project planning tool?  Due today?  Are you kidding me?  I AM TRYING TO MAKE A BABY HERE!  This is one of the most important things ever - in my entire life?  And I have to set measurable goals around fixing some broken corporate process?  COME ON!

To boot - today I woke up with a stiff neck.  I think I must have slept on it wrong somehow.  While I am desperately trying to avoid taking anything - even tylenol, this thing is killing me.

Please let Tuesday get here - NOW!

Progesterone

My progesterone level was a little low today.  16.4 mg to be precise.  They prefer to see that number be 20 or higher.  So, you know what that means . . . Intramuscular shots, my friends!

Oh the joy!  And - I get to keep using the suppositories too.  At first I was freaking out a little.  The nurse was reassuring though - said its enough to support an early pregnancy.  She also said she has seen it as low as 5 mg with patients still being pregnant.

So T and I had to stop in to the office so she could show him how to do the I/M shots.  He did well - and didn't even pass out, although I thought it might be coming at one point.

As for the needle in the butt, it actually wasn't terrible - but I am sure it will get old very quickly.

Meanwhile I am tired - very tired.  And just anxious to get to the pg test so we know if this worked.

Positively Neutral

I started writing this post yesterday but got interrupted by T bounding up the stairs to cuddle.  I'm not "out" about my blog to him yet, so I have to do a lot of quick clicking when he comes in the room so he doesn't see.

I am feeling somewhat better today - but yesterday was a very down day for me.  I suppose I am still recovering from the overwhelming emotional events of the past few weeks.  Getting to transfer was such a landmark - it just brought me to a point where I could feel all the pent-up tension from the 10 or so days of stims, the retrieval, the pgd results, etc - just busting to get out.  And that they did.

So yesterday I was just feeling very negative.  I'm not sure why.  I guess part of it is my familiar "self protection" mode where I try to convince myself that nothing good can come of this so that I am not disappointed when it doesn't.  We all know how well that works.  Another part is that I know deep down I don't believe good things can happen to us - or will.  Almost like there is no way I could possibly deserve it.  Sounds trite, I know - but that feeling is with me a lot.  Of course the phone call I got from the RE's office - with the news that of our two embryos left, one degenerated overnight, so they are only freezing one - did not help.  Having more than one to fall back on would really have been somewhat comforting.

Today has been better though.  T and I took the day off.  We slept in, and went to the movies.  We saw Invincible, (thumbs up) and just drove around in the nice sunny fall weather with the top down on the convertible.  I do feel more upbeat - but truthfully I'm just scared to death.  Oh, how I wish I could fast forward the next week or so to get to my pregnancy test.

Spent

I am just very simply, emotionally drained.

I didn't realize until today, what an emotional toll these past few weeks (and years) had taken on me.  I was very busy being all about the "one day at a time" thing, without paying any attention to much of what was going on inside my head.

We headed out to the IVF office this morning with very little idea of what was going to be there waiting for us.  They were running somewhat behind procedure-wise, so my full bladder and I had to wait an extra 20 minutes in the waiting room once we arrived.

Backtrack to yesterday.  I called them to get an embryo update.  The other day we had 13 alive and well.  Between Tuesday and Thursday, two of those arrested.  They biopsied 11 embryos Thursday and sent the slides off to another specialized lab.

The results were due back this morning, a little while before we were supposed to do the transfer.  Well out of 11, we ended up with 4 normal ones.  I was a little shocked at this number.  Not that I was expecting double digits, but I thought we would have a little more to work with.  I guess I overestimated our genes.  When I looked at the report detailing what was wrong with the abnormal ones- I was momentarily shocked.  What a list.  Trisomy 18, Trisomy 21, three embryos with multiple chromosomal abnormalities, one with no chromosomes, one triploid like our last loss - it was pretty sobering.  So essentially out of 16 we started with, 4 were normal.  25% - not such a a great percentage if you ask me. 

But anyway - enough of the negative.  They picked the two "prettiest" looking embies and transferred them to me this morning.  Now the wait begins.

I am just surprised at how much emotion I felt after it was over.  Relief that we made it to transfer.  Fear about what the next few weeks will bring.  The thought of losing one or both of these babies.  The worries of a twin pregnancy - did we make a mistake?  Can my body handle it?  Will my cervix - having been through three D&E's - poop out?  After so much disappointment through the last three pregnancies, its almost impossible for me to imagine things actually going smoothly and working out the way I thought they would.

I suppose I have to get myself back into the one day at a time mode, but it is much easier said than done.  I have been dozing on and off today - though the phone keeps waking me up.  My mother, T's mother, T's brother, a friend of mine - all calling to check in and see how we made out.

I feel like I should have something more profound to say here - something real.  But there's nothing.  Maybe during the week I will gain some perspective on this process - but right now I'm just thankful we've made it this far, and cautiously peering over this mountain peak to see what the next leg of our race looks like.

Division

All 13 of our embies are dividing away.  We are somewhat evenly split.  A handful of 2 cells, a handful of 3 cells, and a handful of 4 cells.

The nurse said 4 cells isn't necessarily better than 2 or vice versa, which makes absolutely no sense to me but so be it.  I am trying to stay away from googling all this stuff but you know how hard it is to resist.

Another report tomorrow and then its PGD biopsy time.

Meanwhile I am monsterously constipated.  Like my belly is sticking out constipated.  I have taken three colace - yesterday and one correctol - today.  I will probably end up sitting on the toilet for hours when it kicks in, but thats ok.

While we're on gross topics - progesterone suppositories = NASTY.  Though I am guessing still better than those I/M shots, which I completely got away with having to do this cycle.

Anticipation

So this morning at work I just stared at the phone, willing it to ring.  It finally did, around 10:30 or so.

The nurse asked how I was feeling, reminded me to take Tylenol for any lingering soreness and then paused.  I thought "WHY IS SHE MAKING SMALL TALK??  What are the stats dammit!"

Anyway the news was good.  All 16 eggs were mature; 13 out of 16 fertilized.  I am more than thrilled with this result.  Beyond thrilled.  However, I know there is a way to go before Saturday.  They will call me again tomorrow to see how cell division is going.  Then Thursday they will biopsy anything that is 7/8ish cells and send them off to the PGD lab.  So a few more hurdles to go before Saturday.

But I am starting to feel good - to feel hopeful again.  I'm starting to think in terms of coming out of this in about 9 months with a baby.  You know, one that is alive.  Its hard to really wrap my mind around that concept.  Holding a baby.  One that is mine.  Watching my dear, dear husband hold a newborn for the first time.  Could it really happen to us?  After all this pain?

Whew.  Lots to fret over for the next few days but man -  am I feeling good!

Groggy

Hi from groggy-land.

Everything went well with the retrieval this morning.  They did two more procedures in addition to mine.  Its funny listening to people wake up from anesthesia.  There was one woman there alone - I kept wondering where her partner was while she was in the recovery room - or at least a friend?  I felt bad for her.  Though I was more jealous when I heard them tell her they got 14 eggs for her.  I was sure my number would be 10 or so.

But low and behold as I was waking up, T said "16" to me.  I made him repeat it about 10 times, and the nurse too.  I was shocked as all hell.  I know a good number of those are probably immature but I feel a lot better about it now.

We get the fertilization report tomorrow morning.  This is going to be one long week!

Retrieval

Tomorrow - 9 am!

HOLY CRAP!

Wish me luck!