Fertile yet Infertile ?

Roller Coaster

You gals are going to start calling me the girl who cried wolf.

I spent 45 frustrating minutes trying to get an appointment this morning.  After last night's on call doc instructed me to call and have them schedule me for an u/s this morning, I called when they opened and was told they had no appointments to give me, and that I should call one of the other office locations.  When I asked what to do if they didn't have anything, her answer was, "well you can always go to the ER."  Um yeah, thanks.  After telling someone in the other office that story, she took pity on me and tried to intervene.   Office #1 then called to say I could come in at 4:30, because they wanted to wait until a doctor was there in case "something happened."  Great, thanks again.  Eventually office #2 called back and said if I wanted to come in right away, I coud come there, or else keep the 4:30 appointment.  Guess which one I chose?

Well it turns out office #2 is in the same location as the Maternal-Fetal Medicine group, and in the hospital I will deliver at.  So I ended up in what they call the antepartum imaging unit.  An extremely nice u/s tech came to get me, and we had our first external ultrasound this pregnancy.  Right away she said "Baby looks good, do you see it moving?" with a smile on her face.  My husband said "Is there a heartbeat?"  And by that time, I could see it myself, before she even pointed it out.

So there was our bean - looking a lot more like a baby this time, wiggling, waving its arms, kicking its legs, etc.  It measured a day ahead, and had a great heartrate - 165-170.  What a relief.  T and I both had to hold back the tears.  They did lots of poking and prodding, looking at the babe every which way, and we got a few pictures to keep.

The MFM doc came in shortly thereafter, and took a couple looks of her own.  She declared it a "very healthy looking pregnancy," and said she saw no reason for the bleeding.  She reiterated it is normal to bleed in the first trimester and that usually the reason is "unknown."  Then she sent us on our way with a smile. 

I'm just staying home the rest of the day to relax - I can't face going back to work today.  I had to lie to my boss about missing a meeting this morning, eventually coming up with the explanation that we had a plumbing emergency in the house.  I so hate lying, but I just couldn't think of anything else to say.  And I'm not ready to tell her yet about the pregnancy.

Man were the past 20 hours or so rough.  I swung from emotion to emotion - fear being the primary one.  I shut down a little, unable to process much - maybe even trying not to process much.  And my poor husband - I think he was possibly more terrified than I was.  He was still at work when I called to tell him I was waiting on a call from the doc because of the blood.  When he walked (correction: ran) in our front door, I couldn't even look at him - sheer terror was written all over his sweet face. 

But oh, the elation when we saw the little babe this morning!  I so want to bring this one home and have her/him here with me, and make us the little family we've been dreaming of fo so long. 

I sincerely hope this was my last scare - and the last time I will see red blood in my underwear for oh, about 30 more weeks.

Panic

At about 4:45 this afternoon, I made my last bathroom stop of the day at work and was surprised to see some red spots in my underwear.  I rushed back in, put a pantyliner on, and went home.

Got home to more blood on the pad - too much for it.  Bright red in color.  Freaked out.

I called my ob's office and even though I know there was a Dr. there until 7pm, I got the answering service.  Annoying.  She eventually called back, and didn't have much to offer.  Asked some questions, while I gave her a very mini version of my history, etc.  She told me to call first thing tomorrow at 9 am for an ultrasound.

The thing that pisses me off the most?  This morning, I had my bloodwork at the RE.  They had previously told me it would be bloodwork only.  After the bloodwork, they tried to usher me into the u/s room.  I declined, and told them I was bloodwork only today.  "Oh, you're right!" said bossy nurse as she looked at the computer screen.

What kind of IF refuses an ultrasound?

If I hadn't, I would either be reassured now - or not so surprised by the red blood I guess.

This isn't really happening, is it?

Whew - Again!

This morning, as I sat up on the exam table with the paper sheet covering my girly parts, I looked at my husband, who appeared green.  He was nervous as could be.  Turns out the spotting had gotten to him more than me.  He was practicing deep breathing to calm himself down.  "It's going to be ok," I told him.

Dr. Young came in shortly thereafter and whipped out the wand.  Boom - I could see right away that things looked good.  She quickly identified the beating heart for us and did a measurement that showed the little one a day or two ahead of my dates.  T let out a huge sigh of relief, and mentioned the spotting to the Doctor.  She didn't appear concerned, said the uterus is very "vascular" and as implantation continues, it can tend to shed a bit.

Anyway - we're pretty much released to the ob/gyn at this point.  I will have to go back one or two more times over the next couple weeks for blood work only, as they will be shortly weaning me off the Prog*esterone and Del*estrogen - hip hip, hooray!  Can't wait to be done with the needles.

When we got back home, as we were packing up our lunches, T looked at me, u/s printout in hand, with the sweetest face, and tears in his eyes - and said, "Do you really think I am going to be a Daddy?"  And my heart just melted.

Yes, sweetie, I really think you will.

Never Easy

So yesterday morning, I awoke to some spotting.  Heavier than last time, but still light nonetheless.  There was quite a bit when I woke up - maybe accumulated from a night in bed laying down without gravity to help it get out.

It was dark - maroonish/brownish, kind of mucous-y if that makes sense.  (Yes, TMI sorry!)

Oh the loveliness of the details I share with the internets about my nether-regions!

It was mostly gone by the afternoon, and I'm choosing (mostly) to believe that it is from that degenerating second sac I have in my uterus.  The doctor had mentioned spotting was a possibility.

T seems more worried about it than I am; I just hope our nerves will be soothed again on Monday morning. 

Quickie update

Just a brief update, I am not feeling so great today.  T has been sick with some kind of sinus infection, which meant I had to do a lot of stuff I didn't have energy for yesterday like food shopping, making soup, laundry, and the like.  Though this wouldn't be too much for me prior to this pregnancy, now its just WAY over the top.  I find I have a limited time window of energy that is usually depleted  after lunch time.

In any case, combine the over-doing it yesterday with the poor sleep of the past two nights - fueled by obsessive worrying about this morning's ultrasound, and you get one miserable Sherry.  Though I haven't really had much in the way of morning sickness these past couple of weeks, I have had a couple bouts with being this exhausted and depleted, which makes me feel like I am going to throw up for most of the day, until I can get some serious rest.

To get to the main reason for this post (and stop torturing you with my exhaustedness!), I have the following to report:

One healthy little bean still happily inside, measuring perfectly - 8 weeks today - little heart beating away. 

The doctor actually told me its time to make my first (gasp!) regular ob appointment.  I did, though I was disappointed to find out that because they want to see me by 10 weeks, I had to take an appointment with an unknown doctor.  Yuk.  But I'm sure I can handle it - question is can he handle me, and how quickly will he write "NEUROTIC" on my file?

Jumbled

I was thinking this morning how boring this blog has become.  Fear.  test.  relief.  Repeat.

I was also thinking how feelings and emotions are swimming around my head, around my whole body lately in one big jumble.  Like those word puzzles where you have to find your words horizontally, vertically, or diagonally in a big grid of letters.  What are my words?  Fear.  Sadness.  Terror.  Hope.  Boredom.  Flashback.

I zoom from one feeling to another.  I don't stop long enough at any one place to get used to it.  You'll note I didn't include happiness.  I am happy to have made it this far, no doubt.  Thrilled.  But it still doesn't feel real to me.  We drove home from the u/s last Monday.  T was thrilled.  On cloud nine, in fact.  Me - I stared out the window at the passing cars.  Willing myself to believe what I just saw on a computer screen.  Things are ok - good even, for now.

But that theoretical "other shoe"?  I am waiting for it to drop.  I want tomorrow to be a good day.  I hope to be able to start believing in this afterwards.  But the fear is stopping me.  I'm not living in the present right now.  I'm living in the past (where there were no happy endings to my pregnancies) or in the future - where my mind just can't wrap itself around the concept that things just could end up going well.

I've felt isolated most of the weekend.  I took Friday off because we were supposed to do an annual road trip to Baltimore with some friends.  Since many of the activities once there would have included staying up late and drinking copious amounts of wine or beer, and I can do neither, we decided to pass.  But I imagined T and I spending time together, being alone and just enjoying each other.  What I got instead was a husband so focused on the fact that he will be too busy next spring to re-do our deck, that he realized he had to do it NOW.  Cue lots of tv watching and minor chores for me.  And lots of time alone to think.  If only I could just turn my brain off for a few hours - hang it up for a time.

Tomorrow morning is just looming large on my horizon.  Will update when there's something to report.  Here's hoping that something is good.

Thank you!

Thanks to everyone who stopped by over the weekend to share some positive thoughts.

The spotting, thankfully had all but stopped by Thursday afternoon.  In comparison to other episodes I've had, it was truly nothing - but still scared the heck out of me!  Luckily we were out of town Sat-Sun at my mother's house to celebrate my brother's birthday.  We needed a diversion.

This morning, we were nervous heading up to the clinic.  The ride seemed to take forever, and even though we were there 20 minutes before they opened the doors, I was fourth in line!  Fourth!

Luckily though, I was the first u/s of the day.  Dr. Young made a big point of telling us first that at 5w6d, all we expect to see is a sac, its too early for a heartbeat, etc.  In goes the wand and she quickly says "There is your uterus . . ." and I saw a good sized sac right away.  She confirmed "there's a sac," then did a bit more prodding and poking . . . "and there's another one!"  T jumped up from the table to see the screen.  He was so excited!  Turns out we were able to see a heartbeat in one sac ("Bonus!" proclaimed Dr. Young) but not the other.  She noted again for us how early it is, but we have "possible twins", and we'll know more when we look next Monday at my next u/s to see if #2 has a hearbeat as well.

Holy. Cow.

I feel greedy as hell, but all I can think about how badly I want them - BOTH of them to be ok - and come out in about nine months to meet me and their daddy!

Arrghhh!

So - I had some brown/pinkish spotting yesterday which is continuing today.

It is incredibly light - unlike any other spotting I've had before, but I am freaking out a bit nonetheless.

My ultrasound is Monday, and I am trying to hang in there until then.  I know the spotting can be nothing, but unfortunately that has never been my experience before so I find it hard to believe.

Just when I had myself convinced that everything was going just fine . . .

Duh, Sherry

So today was beta #3, 15dp5dt.  And I don't have a number.  Because I didn't ask.  Hence, the "DUH."

Dr. Young said everything looked "good" with my blood work, and they are keeping all my dosages the same for the week.  I get Thursday off from the early morning routine, and then Monday I should bring my husband, because we're doing our first ultrasound.  Yikes!

So I repeated it all back to her, and said "but the numbers still look good?"  (Note I can't say HCG or any of that language out loud because I work in a cubicle and the walls have ears!) And she said, "Yes."  And we said our good byes.

Then I started kicking myself for not asking for the number.  Did she not tell me for a reason?  Did it not double appropriately?

Then I talked myself down.  If things didn't look good, she wouldn't be letting me go a week without checking on me, right?  She probably just didn't want to bog me down with a number, right?  If she says everything looks good, then it must look good.  I need to trust her, and find a way NOT to find bad news in good news.  But I am just SO damn good at doing that.

Why didn't I just ask what the number was?  OY!

Magnificent

"Magnificent" is the word Dr. Young used to refer to my latest beta, taken this morning, at 11dp5dt.

707 was the number.  We are more than doubling every two days by my calculations.

Wow.  Just - wow.

I go back Monday for the next test - Estrogen, Progesterone, and HcG.

I'm kind of speechless about how pleasant and drama-free this has been so far.  Here's hoping things stay magnificent and boring for the next - oh 35 weeks?