Out of Sorts

I've been waiting for some time now.  Waiting, that is, for my "a-ha" moment.

The moment when the clouds will part, the heavens will sing, and I will suddenly be blessed with a positive attitude about this pregnancy.  And soon to follow that moment, the development that I will even let the dreaded emotion - excitement - into my life!

Well, it just. ain't. happening.

First came my full results from the First Trimester Screen.  The nurse called, and happily told me my results were negative.  She then proceeded to give me my risk scores.  First up, risk of Down Syndrome.  1:290.  Second, risk of Trisomy 18.  1 in 10,000.  She then reiterated that these scores are good.  I was still soaking it all in when we said our goodbyes.  By the time I processed it all, I realized it was after 4pm and there was no use calling her back.  I have my second regular OB appointment tomorrow, so I resolved to talk to him about it, rather than trying to get concrete answers from the nurse.

What I think happened is they calculated this based on my age, not the donor's.  I asked about this a couple times on test day, and was assured the risk scores would be calculated on 21 years old, not 36.  By everything I have read, if you "pass" the test, it decreases your age appropriate risk two to four fold.  There is no way that a 21 year old's average odds of having a child with Down's even approaches that 1:290 number.

Anyway, despite the fact that I am fairly confident about them quoting the wrong risk numbers for me, I still felt off my game all weekend. 

Even before all of this, during the test, when the tech told us the measurement was normal, much better results than the first time we had this test, I felt some relief - but not the overwhelming sensation I had imagined.  Throughout the week, people kept asking me if I was relieved, and if I felt I could finally relax now.  I said yes many times, but I realized I was lying.

I don't feel better.  I still can't talk or think about this pregnancy in absolutes.  I am terrified.  Terrified and sad.  The sadness is for what I've lost - not just the babies I've lost, the embryos that never developed, the years of unfulfilled dreams . . . but now I feel like I've lost the right to be joyful about being pregnant.  Somewhere in the last five years, it was taken from me.  And for weeks now, I just kept pointing to this test - feeling in my heart it would be my time to let go of the fear and anxiety, and let in the joy.  But it hasn't been my time for that.  In fact, it hasn't been that at all.

I still speak in terms of "if," not "when."  And I'm wondering now if I will ever be able to get myself there at all.  At this point, it feels like it may not be until the little one is here with us, and I can hold him (or her) and see for myself that its true.

Just the thought of feeling like this for oh, 27 more weeks makes me feel like I just want to crawl under the covers for the rest of this pregnancy, not to emerge until its been proven to me in real life that pregnancy = baby. 

Comments

[grad3]

I waited for that moment too- it didn't ever really come. Finally, I just made the decision to not worry. Now keep in mind I said "not worry", I said nothing about being happy. I just kind of accepted the day for what it was, whatever it was meant to be. Of course I was happy-- just not happy.

It was like time had changed into a dream-like haze and everything that was happening was happening to someone else-- I just happened to have front row seats. Does that make sense???

The point is that you are not alone and that it takes time to adjust to what you have been working so long and hard for. I think that your time/ moment will come just don't be surprised if one day you find that it snuck (sneaked???) up on you instead of slapping you in the face :) ~Warm Hugs~

[Peeveme]

Wow..reading this post and all the comments.....I'm sorry you are feeling this way but I'm relieved to know that I am not alone. I don't think I will ever have ability to be secure or optimistic. Like another poster even after I had a live-healthy baby I'm still scared she will be taken away.

I get mad at myself that I spent so much of my pregnancy worrying. I feel like I wasted so much of it when I should have just been happy. I know I could not have "just been happy". Too many heartaches. I just wish I had given my self permission to be happy when I felt happy. I'd still worry but I think I punished myself when I started to enjoy it too much.

Like another poster said, try to enjoy the moment for what it is.

[Kami]

Keep in mind that your hormones are probably playing a role in this too. I was never able to really believe that it would work until the moment LB was born. I was (mostly) satisfied with being excited in a given moment. I got excited when I felt her move, saw her on an u/s, that sort of thing. I wasn't excited because I knew I would soon have a baby, I was excited because at THIS moment I was pregnant with a live, apparently healthy baby.

If you can't get excited, perhaps just enjoying the moment will be enough. I'm sorry . . . I wish I could give you back your innocense.

[hopefulmother]

It didn't come in an "a-ha" moment for me. Instead it came gradually... like the optimism just snuck up on me and then all of the sudden it was mostly there.

But I must also agree with Yvonne... once you feel movement for the first time, it starts becoming more real. Then little by little you will feel it.

[Flicka]

This is the hardest part. Daring to hope. I have Sam with me physcially, I can touch him and some days I STILL feel like this, so afraid that he will be taken from me. Feeling happy, letting go of worry, it all feels like I'm tempting fate somehow. Like if I stop worrying, that'll be the day that tragedy occurs and the universe will get to say to me "Well, you took it for granted! That's what you get when you take things for granted!"

But Sherry, it's no way to live. You won't shake this feeling totally during your pregnancy and even after when this baby comes home. But you can work toward minimizing it. There will never be an "Aha!" moment, just a slow building of joy. Let yourself feel it even if it only comes in small spurts at first. It'll grow, just like the baby is growing, until one day you realize you're happy. And you'll wonder when that happened.

[ella]

I'm a long time lurker. And can really feel with you. Don't want to discourage you, but I'm right now pregnant (33 weeks), did the amnio to have once a feeling of safety with a pregnancy. It did work for some weeks, but now I'm terrified again that there could be something wrong with the baby. People who have not gone through any pregnancy loss don't understand that feeling.

[Yvonne]

My heart is truly breaking for you here - it seems so unfair that you still have to through all this worry and stress. You've already been to hell and gone and now you still can't relax and enjoy :(

BUT you are pregnant! And I have every confidence that in a few months time you WILL have a beautiful baby in your arms!

I imagine when you reach 'viability' (24 weeks) that might also be a point at which you'll be able to relax and let go somewhat. And of course, movement. When you start feeling daily movements, little kicks and prods - all the wonderful reassuring signs that your baby is happy and healthy, I'm sure it'll help everything sink in that much faster.

Hugs. It might not come in one big "A-Ha!" moment, but I honestly believe that the first kick (which is only a couple of weeks away!) will be the beginning of many small 'Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh's.

x
Yvonne