Lost Voice

I have been lacking in the post department for a couple of reasons.  Most importantly I am starting to feel like I just use this space to spew my fear and anxiety about this pregnancy.  And who wants to keep reading that over and over?  Seriously.  Especially from an IF point of view.  If I were me, reading my blog before I got pregnant - I think I'd be sick of my whining by now.

So I've just felt like I couldn't - or shouldn't post if that makes any sense.  I don't want to hurt anyone, or to have people run screaming from this place because I've posted yet another intolerable whine about how HARD it is to be pregnant after multiple losses.

I don't think I've expressed here very much how truly thankful I am to even be in this position.  Although it's terrifying and has really not brought out the best in me, I truly am in awe that I even made it here.  I wouldn't give it back for anything - and fear and all, I so want this for everyone else who is still trying to attain it.  Truly.

In terms of playing a bit of catch up, lest anybody wonder if I've fallen off the face of the earth, here's a small list of developments.

• They did NOT miscalculate my Down's odds.  For some unknown reason, they came back higher than the age related risk (1:880) for a 21 year old.  It had to do with the markers in the blood work.  My Dr. was not overly concerned about it since the test overall screened as negative.  However, he was very supportive about  my anxiety and encouraged me to have a CVS or amnio when/if I want to be sure everything is ok.  So far, I have declined.  In a generous move, he noted on my chart his concern about my fibroid and any impact it might have on the baby's growth - meaning I get another ultrasound before the 20 week anatomy scan.  He did it with a "wink, wink" type look - with me fully knowing he's not concerned about any of those things, he's just giving me another chance to look in on the little one and allay some fear and anxiety.

• I told my boss.  I was starting to feel guilty, as we are doing lots of planning for next year at this point in our business cycle, and there are things I know I won't be here for in the spring and summer due to my maternity leave.  She jumped out of her chair, screamed and hugged me vigorously when I told her the news.  I'm not sure what I was expecting, but that wasn't it.  I'm not "out" to anybody else at work yet, but I am going to have to do that soon.

• Oddly, she seemed to know we were "trying," that we had previous "problems," and were pursuing fertility treatments.  I never told her any of this.  There is only one person I told in the office - and it was an extremely abbreviated version at that.  I'm not very close with my coworkers, and tend to be a very private person in the workplace.  My admission to her was at a work party after a couple cocktails when she confided she had done IUIs to have her daughter, gently noting I didn't have any kids.  I distinctly remember asking her not to share what I told her with anyone.  Guess she didn't listen.

• I am getting bigger.  I put a ton of clothes away last weekend, and my wardrobe is down to two pairs of pants that button, one I have to use safety pins to secure, and a couple tops.  I need to do some maternity clothes shopping, but for some reason am terrified of doing so.

• T and I bravely walked through the baby section of Tar*get last weekend, and it did not kill me.

I'll post some news after my ultrasound tomorrow.  Hopefully, everything will be looking great in there, but of course I'm having a hard time stopping myself from worrying about it.

Comments

[Kami]

I felt the same way, but people encouraged me to keep blogging and I encourage you.

I love your bosses reaction! Even if your friend didn't tell, I bet there were signs.

[Kath]

Dear Sherry, how nice that your doctor is so accommodating -- and that your boss is taking this so nicely. I know what you mean about blogging right now -- we are having quite similar feelings. But I am so, so glad you've updated. I can't tell you how often I think of you and send good thoughts your way. Good luck for the ultrasound tomorrow!

[Flicka]

I think it's understandable that you're scared. If you were all flippant and whee! I'm pregnant and everything's good! I'd be a little scared for you. You've been through a lot of loss. Let it out here. This is your space. If people don't want to read they can click away. I think your joy in this pregnancy shows even through the fear. It's the fear that actually shows how happy you are, how desparately you want to keep this little life safe and growing. No guilt, Sherry. No guilt. Write what you need to.

[docgrumbles]

Hope the u/s goes well.