Fertile yet Infertile ?

Blissfully normal

Today, I was consumed with dead baby thoughts.  By the time I pulled into the parking lot at the maternal-fetal medicine office, my hands were literally shaking at the wheel.

I hopped up on the table while the tech asked why my Dr. ordered the u/s.  Too embarrassed to say "Because I am neurotic!", I said something like "umm . . . I think he is concerned about my fibroid?"  Unfortunately, this caused her to zoom in first on the fibroid, measuring away and looking at it from all sorts of different angles.  I couldn't see the little one while this was going on, and I was trying to remain calm.  Unfortunately, my husband's trembling, cold hand holding on to mine didn't help in that department.

Soon, she moved on to the "guest of honor," as she referred to it.  I was amazed how much more detail we could see today.  She measured and examined the heart, brain, kidneys, abdomen, both femurs, and spine.  She pronounced each one either "normal," or "good."  We were in and out in about 20 minutes.

The fibroid has grown.  Last scan I think we were around 7.5 cm.  Today was closer to 10.  Eeek!  Still, there doesn't seem to be any worry about it disturbing the babe.  It appears to still be in the way of a vaginal delivery, but that could change.  And the reality for me is this: as long as there is a real live healthy baby at the end of this road, I really don't care much how it gets here.

Obviously, we will be able to see things in more detail at the 20 week anatomy scan.  But for now, I am happy, and the anxiety has been dialed down a bit.  Though I still don't have my "a-ha" moment, I do feel incrementally closer to something good, something joyful.  I do think this is going to happen for us.

Lost Voice

I have been lacking in the post department for a couple of reasons.  Most importantly I am starting to feel like I just use this space to spew my fear and anxiety about this pregnancy.  And who wants to keep reading that over and over?  Seriously.  Especially from an IF point of view.  If I were me, reading my blog before I got pregnant - I think I'd be sick of my whining by now.

So I've just felt like I couldn't - or shouldn't post if that makes any sense.  I don't want to hurt anyone, or to have people run screaming from this place because I've posted yet another intolerable whine about how HARD it is to be pregnant after multiple losses.

I don't think I've expressed here very much how truly thankful I am to even be in this position.  Although it's terrifying and has really not brought out the best in me, I truly am in awe that I even made it here.  I wouldn't give it back for anything - and fear and all, I so want this for everyone else who is still trying to attain it.  Truly.

In terms of playing a bit of catch up, lest anybody wonder if I've fallen off the face of the earth, here's a small list of developments.

• They did NOT miscalculate my Down's odds.  For some unknown reason, they came back higher than the age related risk (1:880) for a 21 year old.  It had to do with the markers in the blood work.  My Dr. was not overly concerned about it since the test overall screened as negative.  However, he was very supportive about  my anxiety and encouraged me to have a CVS or amnio when/if I want to be sure everything is ok.  So far, I have declined.  In a generous move, he noted on my chart his concern about my fibroid and any impact it might have on the baby's growth - meaning I get another ultrasound before the 20 week anatomy scan.  He did it with a "wink, wink" type look - with me fully knowing he's not concerned about any of those things, he's just giving me another chance to look in on the little one and allay some fear and anxiety.

• I told my boss.  I was starting to feel guilty, as we are doing lots of planning for next year at this point in our business cycle, and there are things I know I won't be here for in the spring and summer due to my maternity leave.  She jumped out of her chair, screamed and hugged me vigorously when I told her the news.  I'm not sure what I was expecting, but that wasn't it.  I'm not "out" to anybody else at work yet, but I am going to have to do that soon.

• Oddly, she seemed to know we were "trying," that we had previous "problems," and were pursuing fertility treatments.  I never told her any of this.  There is only one person I told in the office - and it was an extremely abbreviated version at that.  I'm not very close with my coworkers, and tend to be a very private person in the workplace.  My admission to her was at a work party after a couple cocktails when she confided she had done IUIs to have her daughter, gently noting I didn't have any kids.  I distinctly remember asking her not to share what I told her with anyone.  Guess she didn't listen.

• I am getting bigger.  I put a ton of clothes away last weekend, and my wardrobe is down to two pairs of pants that button, one I have to use safety pins to secure, and a couple tops.  I need to do some maternity clothes shopping, but for some reason am terrified of doing so.

• T and I bravely walked through the baby section of Tar*get last weekend, and it did not kill me.

I'll post some news after my ultrasound tomorrow.  Hopefully, everything will be looking great in there, but of course I'm having a hard time stopping myself from worrying about it.

Out of Sorts

I've been waiting for some time now.  Waiting, that is, for my "a-ha" moment.

The moment when the clouds will part, the heavens will sing, and I will suddenly be blessed with a positive attitude about this pregnancy.  And soon to follow that moment, the development that I will even let the dreaded emotion - excitement - into my life!

Well, it just. ain't. happening.

First came my full results from the First Trimester Screen.  The nurse called, and happily told me my results were negative.  She then proceeded to give me my risk scores.  First up, risk of Down Syndrome.  1:290.  Second, risk of Trisomy 18.  1 in 10,000.  She then reiterated that these scores are good.  I was still soaking it all in when we said our goodbyes.  By the time I processed it all, I realized it was after 4pm and there was no use calling her back.  I have my second regular OB appointment tomorrow, so I resolved to talk to him about it, rather than trying to get concrete answers from the nurse.

What I think happened is they calculated this based on my age, not the donor's.  I asked about this a couple times on test day, and was assured the risk scores would be calculated on 21 years old, not 36.  By everything I have read, if you "pass" the test, it decreases your age appropriate risk two to four fold.  There is no way that a 21 year old's average odds of having a child with Down's even approaches that 1:290 number.

Anyway, despite the fact that I am fairly confident about them quoting the wrong risk numbers for me, I still felt off my game all weekend. 

Even before all of this, during the test, when the tech told us the measurement was normal, much better results than the first time we had this test, I felt some relief - but not the overwhelming sensation I had imagined.  Throughout the week, people kept asking me if I was relieved, and if I felt I could finally relax now.  I said yes many times, but I realized I was lying.

I don't feel better.  I still can't talk or think about this pregnancy in absolutes.  I am terrified.  Terrified and sad.  The sadness is for what I've lost - not just the babies I've lost, the embryos that never developed, the years of unfulfilled dreams . . . but now I feel like I've lost the right to be joyful about being pregnant.  Somewhere in the last five years, it was taken from me.  And for weeks now, I just kept pointing to this test - feeling in my heart it would be my time to let go of the fear and anxiety, and let in the joy.  But it hasn't been my time for that.  In fact, it hasn't been that at all.

I still speak in terms of "if," not "when."  And I'm wondering now if I will ever be able to get myself there at all.  At this point, it feels like it may not be until the little one is here with us, and I can hold him (or her) and see for myself that its true.

Just the thought of feeling like this for oh, 27 more weeks makes me feel like I just want to crawl under the covers for the rest of this pregnancy, not to emerge until its been proven to me in real life that pregnancy = baby. 

First Trimester Screen

Well, we made it through the first trimester screening.  It was actually rather uneventful.

The u/s tech poked around for a bit, taking measurements here and there, and not really saying much, when I said, "We had this test before and it was very bad so we're kind of anxious."  Right away, she said "Oh - well I can tell you right now before I even measure - its within range."  Cue major sigh of relief.

I watched her take a couple of the nuchal translucency measurements and they were all in the 1.4-1.5 range if I remember correctly.  Blessedly normal.  I won't have the full results (they combine the measurements with the blood test) until next week, but I expect the odds to be low, especially based on the 21 year old egg we used!

We then had our perinatal consult.  After going through my 5  year sob story of loss and failed cycles, the Dr. was quick to say everything looks really good this time and she has no worries.  Well - make that one worry.  I have a fibroid that is growing quickly - and it sits low in my pelvis, quite close to my cervix.  Its about the size of a tennis ball now.  Ultimately she said this can cause a couple things - one is a problem with the baby's presentation - he/she may stay breech or transverse because there's just not room to turn.  The other is that even if baby is head down, the birth canal is just too tight to deliver the head.  So we'd be looking at a c-section.  Another possibility she described is pain if the sucker starts to degenerate.  I am hoping to avoid that because she said she had it happen to her and its horribly painful.  But she also said its rare, so we'll hope to stay on the pain free side of those odds.

They just plan on monitoring me closely in the third trimester to see how things develop in there.

Other than that, she told me I should just continue on like a plain old normal pregnant lady!

Next up - my second regular ob appointment next week.