Fertile yet Infertile ?

Will someone PLEASE

convince me that just because I don't "feel" anything (like cramping, achy back, etc) does NOT mean that this didn't work.

It does NOT mean that.  Last cycle, I had cramping for a day or two and my test was negative.

I don't necessarily have to "feel" anything for it to work! 

Right?

I don't know how I am going to make it to Monday without driving myself (and my poor husband) NUTS!

Countdown to Beta has begun

So the retrieval was Sunday, as expected.

Having not had any news about the embryos for a couple of days, I was anxious to hear how they had fared. Before I got changed, the embryologist came in to discuss what we had.

"Well, we have two - which is what we wanted," she said - and put a picture in front of my face of two blastocysts.

I choked, thinking that was all we had left. I was wrong, though - she explained there were three more still cooking that weren't suitable to freeze yet, but they would know more about on Monday. Overall the ones they were going to transfer were the best and brightest, and she made a point of telling me they looked much better than any of "my" embryos from last time. Um yeah, thanks for that.

Even though I was in somewhat of a val*ium fog, I thought to ask about grading. She said one was an "A" and the other a "B," but only because it was smaller. I didn't even ask her follow-ups like what their grading system is like, or if they assign numbers and letters, etc. Knowing each lab is different, I feel like that was somewhat useless information now. T did think to ask about fragmentation (he remembered her talking about a lot of fragmentation in our embies last time) and she noted that the smaller one had some, but she didn't think it was a big deal. She also couldn't really give an opinion on whether the three remainders would make it to freeze - too hard to predict she said. Additionally, she mentioned that they only have embryos to freeze in 40% of cycles - even DE ones. I was shocked at that realization, I thought it would be more.

In any case, turns out the last three didn't make it. So all of our hope lies in these two little one in my uterus right now.

My beta is Monday - one day earlier than scheduled, since I'm due for an Est*rogen test that day anyway. Peeing on sticks will probably commence Saturday or Sunday.

So far I don't feel much other than:

A) Tired and constipated from the Proges*terone.

B) Scared to death that this won't work.

I'm just trying to let feelings come and go as they may and not over-think any of it. The news about not getting any frozen embryos really brought me down for some reason. Although it should have no bearing on whether or not these two take - for some reason in my mind they seem to be connected. As if its less likely just because the news on the freezing front wasn't good. I know, illogical, Sherry - but I can't help it.

Meanwhile, I'm just trying to hang in there and make it to Monday with my sanity intact. I took yesterday off from work even though I didn't need to. Just goofed around the house and watched too much tv, while staying in my pajamas until about 3 or so. I needed that.

Having a 'Blast' . . .

Got the call at about 9:15 this morning from the embryologist.

13 of the 15 eggs retrieved were mature. They were all fertilized yesterday, and this morning we have 10 lovely, growing embryos. Ten! I'm certainly feeling good about that number.

She seems confident that a good number of them will get to blast stage, so she said transfer is scheduled for Sunday. She did hedge a bit and say there is still a slight chance we'll have to go Friday if things take a downward turn with a lot of embryos arresting, but told me she doesn't think that is likely.

So far, so good. I'm definitely a little less anxious after hearing this news this morning, but still terrified nonetheless.

I'm still somewhat shocked at exactly what kinds of feelings these past few days have brought up for me, and how intense they have been. I'm guessing some of it has to do with the finality of it all. During each of my cycles, I've always wondered how I could gather up the strength to do another one if it didn't work out. Before this one started, and even moreso as we were going through it, I knew this one was it. Its too hard, my body seems to be more crippled with side effects each time - and my emotions, ugh. Plus T and know if this isn't our time, we have to move on. Move on to what, we don't know, but there will not be any more treatments. Could I truly be mourning the end of my ART career?

I know its bigger than that - and that there's just so much we've lost over the past five years. So much more than I ever thought possible the day we were married. I wish it weren't so, but that's our truth; it's who we are now. I just hope this next bit doesn't end up being one more entry on that long, sad list that I carry around in my heart every day.

In the Numbers

Well, now we start up with playing the numbers game.

I waited until 3 o'clock this afternoon, and when I still hadn't had a call, I gave in and called our coordinator. Apparently they don't usually call with the number of eggs (HUH?!), rather they wait until the day after to call with the fertilization report.

Anyway, they retrieved 15 eggs from the donor this morning. I guess that is good? I feel like I have such a hard time putting it in context because I always get stimmed agressively and my output has been as high as 30.  I then end up thinking those are the kind of numbers I should expect out of a donor.  But then again, if this is 15 quality eggs, I'll take that over 30 crappy ones any day.

In any case, its better than the donor we used at the now-closed clinic, who only produced 10 eggs, 4 of which were immature. I'm just going to pray and hope tonight for the best and send good thoughts out to the little embryos growing in those petrie dishes in the lab.

Developments

DE cycles are the weirdest things. You can be going along, gracefully taking your shots and yet feeling like you're not getting anywhere. Day after day, the same gray scenery - dull and drab. You're going down this road slowly, like being pulled along on a horse drawn wagon.

Then one day - BOOM! You get a call on your cell phone on a Sunday (which luckily you turned on even though you almost never do if you're home on the weekends) and you're at the races. Instead of that horse drawn carriage, you're in one of those Grand Prix cars - reeling around turns, hurtling down hills with the wind screaming in your ears. And the worst part of it is this: you're not driving. You're in the passenger seat, frantically pressing the imaginary brake pedal, covering your eyes and yelling at someone, hell - everyone to just SLOW DOWN!

Donor is ready. Retrieval is tomorrow. I'm scared beyond belief. I've alternated between sheer panic and blinding sadness over the past 24 hours or so. For some reason, this has brought a lot of old pain up from my losses, the wounds somehow opened up again.

But I have to get it together. Focus somehow on doing the things I need to do this week to help us maybe, I hope, on finding a happier place.

More tomorrow after the retrieval in early am. In the meantime, all prayers and good thoughts are encouraged and humbly accepted!

Rolling along

Brief cycle update because there's not much to say:

I was in for blood work yesterday.  Thank goodness, it was either bossy nurse's day off, or she was at another office.  Apparently my E*strogen is lower than they want it to be, since they increased my dose of Del*estrogen for last night.  I didn't get to talk to the doctor - he called and left a message while I was away from my desk - so I don't know the details.  I am back in for more blood and an u/s to check my lining thickness on Thursday so I should get to talk to a doctor then.

The early morning thing, even though the monitoring is far less than a cycle with my own eggs, is getting old.  Mostly because I feel like crap.  I'm not sure if its the slightly different protocol than my first DE cycle or just my general intolerance of late for putting ivf drugs into my body, but YUK.  I'm just SO TIRED.  The tired that seems to have no relation to how much I sleep.  7 hours or 10 - I still feel like death warmed over when I wake up.  I could sleep until noon if I were allowed, which is completely out of character for me.  Also, I feel alternatively nauseous, then hungry but with no desire to eat anything - food has just been very unappealing to me.  Its a very strange feeling, somewhat similar to how I've felt before in early pregnancy.

I am useless at work.  I have no energy and am unmotivated.  I'm having a hard time focusing on tasks that must get done, and am also struggling with my reasoning skills.  For me - the logical, analytical, employee who relies on a clear head, this is tough.  Also it worries me that its blatantly obvious to the outside world and they will wonder what is up.  "Wow, lately Sherry's had those bags under her eyes and seems to be out of it in meetings.  She forgets things I ask her to do and makes a lot of mistakes.  I wonder if she's drinking on the job?"

And I won't even get started on what I've been like at home.  Cranky and useless sums it up mostly.  I cooked a big meal Sunday and it about killed me.  Me - the Food Network, cooking magazine fanatic who loves to cook and sees her Sundays as not the day of rest, but the day of chopping, simmering and sauteing.  And I was completely done in by turkey tettrazini.  Sad.

Cycle update

Just a quickie for anyone playing along with this cycle at home!

I've been on Lu*pron now since June 26th.  I've decided during this 10 or so days that Lu*pron is THE.EVIL-EST.IVF.DRUG.EVER.  Yuk.  I have felt sluggish, nauseous, head-achy, air-headed, and just generally blah now for days.  My hope is now that we decreased the dosage and added the Del*estrogen, maybe I will start feeling better.

First Del*estrogen shot was last night - not bad at all, even though its given via IM injection.  Too soon for side effects, so we'll see how this week goes.

I'm not completely sure when my donor starts stims - my guess is sometime this week.  I'm trying not to obsess. 

As a side note - while I was in getting my suppression blood work done yesterday, I innocently asked the nurse which syringe to use for the del*estrogen shot that night.  She was very nicely showing me and instructing me, when a bossy nurse from across the room butted in.  "Did you schedule a teaching session for this cycle?" she blurted out.  "Um, no," I choked. 

She then proceeded to scold me for not doing so.  I tried to explain that T and I are pretty skilled at this injection thing by now, didn't need teaching, and that I just had the one question about the one drug we hadn't used before.  I even joked that the two of us could probably teach the class, prompting a giggle from the other ivf-er getting her blood drawn amidst the scolding.  "Still, she said - whenever you do something new, you should schedule a teaching session."  At first I thought to myself - "well, she's only doing her job, trying to make sure I take my meds appropriately. . ." but the more I thought about it, the more annoyed I was.  First, she scolds me in front of all these other people, and second - without a  CLUE about my history.  For the number of times I've done this, and the number of shots T and I have administered collectively, I mean come on!  All I wanted to know was which syringe to use, and I was good to go!  Otherwise I would have had to waste a half day of work PLUS pay whatever my co-pay was for attending this session!  It still gets me sometimes that ivf nurses can be so insensitive to the hoops we are jumping through as patients!

Anyway - lesson learned.  My info packet that came with my drug schedule had instructions for injecting the del*estrogen.  If I had just read the darn thing, I never would have had to hear it from bossy nurse.

In which we try again

Well, the day back in March that we went to see the "egg donor lady," (edl) as we affectionately call her, I was faking it.  We weren't sure we really wanted to do it again.  Our most recent IVF failure was too raw; I was still too depressed to even consider the option.

But we figured, since there was minimal cost involved with doing our intake session with her, and getting on "the list," we'd do it anyway.  We breezed through the session mostly, talking with edl at length about what we'd be looking for in a donor.  I was fairly impressed with her.  This was clearly a whole different operation than the last program we'd been through.  This woman was actually the first DE recipient in my state to successfully go through the procedure and give birth, accomplished while being treated at my clinic.  Her twins are 12 or so - beautiful red heads, a girl and a boy.

In any case, I felt comfortable chatting with her, but still not over the moon about the idea.  We left the clinic after discussing, at length, our desire to utilize a proven donor, preferably one who'd produced lots of eggs, and an established pregnancy in the recipient.

Fast forward a couple months, to a couple days before T and I left for a much needed vacation to Mexico.  EDL called me at work, excited as hell.  "When are you going on vacation?!" she asks.  When I told her "in two days," she said "Well I hope you have a chance to open the profile I sent you first!"

I was dumbfounded.  It had really only been a couple months.  I expected closer to six, based on our request of a repeat donor - which usually requires a wait longer than my clinic's three month average.  Turns out she was not a repeater, but EDL just thought she was such a perfect match that she HAD to send the profile my way.  She excitedly suggested that we bring the profile with us, and "read it on the beach!"

Ugh, I thought - one of the main reasons we wanted this vacation was to clear our heads and regroup - to think about what we really wanted to do next in the IF battle.  We very wisely decided to not open it when we finally got it in the mail the Friday before we left, putting it off until we returned.

We had a great vacation.  Wonderful weather, plenty of margaritas, sun, sand, holding hands, and just getting back to being a regular couple totally in love.

Well, as was probably obvious from my last post, once we were home we decided to go for it.  Even as I opened the envelope and pulled the profile out, I remember thinking, "this is futile.  I need to be done using my body as a science experiment."  But then, there she was.  There was just something in that profile - beyond the physical characteristics and boring stats . . . something in between the lines.  This could be her, I thought.  The more I thought about her, and discussed her with edl, the more I really liked her.  I mean REALLY.  I fell even more in love when they emailed me her childhood picture.  She was a total cutie!  All the doubts I had - all the lingering feelings from the last time we did this, when I never felt one bit comfortable with that donor, when my gut told me "No, don't do it!" and I ignored it.  All of that was gone.  This was her.

After some deliberations and discussions and even the presentation of a second donor (didn't like her much), we accepted.  YIKES!

So here I am - on my Lu*pron since Friday.  It's totally kicking my ass.  First del*estrogen shot (I've never done those before - has anyone else reading here?  Any info to share?) is tentatively scheduled for Monday the 7th.  ET is estimated to be late in the week of 7/21. 

Oh please - let this be the answer to our prayers!