Well, I have to admit I never thought I would take as long a writing hiatus as I just did.
But if there were one reason behind it, which I am now ashamed to admit - it was that I felt overexposed somehow - like I had just put to much of myself out there, and it didn't feel good.
Truly, it was a comment on that last post that pushed me over the edge of feeling that way. Why would this person defend the friend I was writing about? Maybe it wasn't clear from what I wrote, but this "falling out" we had was not only about her insensitive comment about the donor sperm - it has been building up over years of her failing woefully to measure up to even the most basic expectations I have of my friends.
I went through a couple of days where I feared this commenter was her - J, the friend I wrote about. After all, conveniently there is no profile associated with her initials. Her IP address seemed to trace back to the general geographical area where J lives. She doesn't appear to be an IF or former IF either, based on the comment she left. I struggled as to how someone outside of the IF world would just stumble across this blog and feel inclined to leave such an unsupportive comment.
As time went on, I just got to feeling alternatively angry about it, (the comment) and feeling guilty that I had aired my personal grievances online. But the time and distance I've had to reflect on it have helped me make the scar feel a lot less raw, and I've gained some perspective - and am ready to move on. If the odd comments persist, I always have options in limiting that person's influence and access to my blog. The bottom line is I get too much out of blogging that I don't get irl to stop doing it now; the kinship, the support, and the release I get in just writing about my frustrations is just too valuable to me right now.
A brief, non-update to the friend story. She never reached out to me, nor I to her. My birthday was about a week after that last post, and I got not as much as an electronic card from her. That was enough for me to move firmly over to the "let it go" side of my dilemma. I can't say it doesn't still hurt that she chose to walk away from me like that, albeit during such a bad time in my life. But based on past history, I can't say I'm surprised either. It doesn't sting me every day like it used to - just once in a while, or when a mutual friend mentions getting together with her.
So - moving on. Lots has been happening over here at casa F but IF. Such as - I'm currently typing this while in a Lu*pron induced haze.
Intrigued anyone? : )
