We're heading up to my mom's house for the weekend a little later today. Meanwhile, T was up at about 6 this morning to get a long ride in. It's 9 and he's not back yet. I couldn't really fall back to sleep after he got up - so I've been up for while.
I'm watching cutie chef David Lieberman make a meal on the cheap in NYC for his friends. How do these tv chefs always make things seem so simple?
I still feel fairly indifferent about the upcoming ivf cycle. I suppose when I actually start stabbing myself, it will seem more real. Meanwhile, I am starting to get some "stage fright" about actually being able to give myself the shots. I have mental images of me sitting on my bed, Follistim pen in hand, unable to do the deed. I'm sure if this happens, T will be able to do it for me - but for some reason I feel like I just don't want him to have to.
I think I need to put my progesterone suppositories in the back of the fridge - seeing them every time I open the door is starting to make me shudder.
My mom is having a small get together tomorrow - the reason we are heading up there. The main guests are cousins of mine - the wife of my cousin who passed away in May, and their three kids. I am still so affected by his death; I really find myself thinking of him almost every day. He was like a big brother to me - he gave me away at my wedding. In the last year or so of his life, we e-mailed back and forth a lot. He shared his fears with me, his frustrations, the heaviness of living with a terminal disease like lung cancer. I still cringe when I think about the last few weeks of his life - how sad they were for everyone.
I hate going to these gatherings with that lingering feeling over me - how it still feels so weird to me that he's not there. But I guess I don't have much of a choice I guess. It just makes me so sad to look at his three great kids - knowing what kind of a father they lost when he died. It just sucks.
Yikes - I'm a downer today and didn't really mean to be.
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