Early Saturday Morning

We're heading up to my mom's house for the weekend a little later today.  Meanwhile, T was up at about 6 this morning to get a long ride in.  It's 9 and he's not back yet.  I couldn't really fall back to sleep after he got up - so I've been up for while.

I'm watching cutie chef David Lieberman make a meal on the cheap in NYC for his friends.  How do these tv chefs always make things seem so simple?

I still feel fairly indifferent about the upcoming ivf cycle.  I suppose when I actually start stabbing myself, it will seem more real.  Meanwhile, I am starting to get some "stage fright" about actually being able to give myself the shots.  I have mental images of me sitting on my bed, Follistim pen in hand, unable to do the deed.  I'm sure if this happens, T will be able to do it for me - but for some reason I feel like I just don't want him to have to.

I think I need to put my progesterone suppositories in the back of the fridge - seeing them every time I open the door is starting to make me shudder.

My mom is having a small get together tomorrow - the reason we are heading up there.  The main guests are cousins of mine - the wife of my cousin who passed away in May, and their three kids.  I am still so affected by his death; I really find myself thinking of him almost every day.  He was like a big brother to me - he gave me away at my wedding.  In the last year or so of his life, we e-mailed back and forth a lot.  He shared his fears with me, his frustrations, the heaviness of living with a terminal disease like lung cancer.  I still cringe when I think about the last few weeks of his life - how sad they were for everyone.

I hate going to these gatherings with that lingering feeling over me - how it still feels so weird to me that he's not there.  But I guess I don't have much of a choice I guess.  It just makes me so sad to look at his three great kids - knowing what kind of a father they lost when he died.  It just sucks.

Yikes - I'm a downer today and didn't really mean to be.