Fertile yet Infertile ?

He's Here!

Well, after a long hiatus, I am back to announce our son's arrival.  At 8:50 am on April 1, 2009, Matthew was yanked out of my uterus on an operating table, and came screaming into this world.  He is beautiful, and he is ours.  I will have to post a picture soon.

Additionally, I want to post my birth story and thoughts about caesarean section overall at another time, as I am too sleep deprived to put together any coherent thoughts right now.

Overall though, today I'm looking for some support and reassurance here . . .

Between trying to recover from major surgery, having a newborn come into our home and completely overhaul the way we live, and breastfeeding trials and tribulations, I feel myself quickly sinking into some sort of depression.  I know the sleep deprivation and the plummeting hormones have a lot to do with is, but I have found myself crying a lot over the past couple of days.

We're trying to make sure Matthew puts on weight (he lost quite a bit in the hospital), and thus feeding him every two hours.  And its getting old very quickly.  All the free formula that came to me in the mail or home with us from the hospial is looming large - and I feel like we're only a rash 2 am decision away from using it. 

I am only a week into the breastfeeding thing and already thinking about quitting, and of course feeling guilty about it.  Every two hours doesn't sound like much when you think about it, but in reality, it feels like its ALL THE TIME!  One of or main problems is that at night I can barely get him to stay awake for 15 minutes to feed one side.  He falls asleep, I try to wake him up a million ways, but we get nowhere.   Then I put him down in the bassinett, and he lasts 3 minutes before hes crying – because hes still hungry.  Put him back on the breast, 2 minutes, he’s asleep again.  Repeat this pattern many times between 1 and 5 am and you can imagine about where my sanity level is right now.

 

And I have all these wild thoughts zooming through my head like "what were we thinking" kind of thoughts, which I of course feel horrible about - who thinks this way about a little life you've been fighting to bring into this world for years?

 

Any advice or comments (of the supportive kind) are more than welcome here - I won't be crying like this every day for the rest of his infancy, right??

Best Laid Plans

I had a post I was composing in my head all last week.  My intent was to write over the weekend, but instead I did a whole lot of nothing.  I caught up on tv shows, parked myself on the couch and did some low level chores around the house.  In fact, I only went out once all weekend, a quick trip to pick out tile for our new bathroom.  Fun!

As far as updates go, here is the latest:

3 Hour GTT:  It sucked royally, thank you very much.  Not my ideal way to spend a morning.  I felt crappy the rest of the day - my system really didn't take kindly to only being fueled by a sickeningly sweet orange drink until close to noon.  However, I passed.  When I met with my doc though, he said my first glucose level after the drink was on the high side, indicating to him my body is having a little difficulty processing sugar.  Though I'm don't have GD, he did tell me to keep an eye on my carbs and sweets for the remainder of the pregnancy.

To Have or Have Not:  A c-section, that is.  We are still undecided.  Doc moved my next u/s up to 2/24, a day when he is in the office.  I am to have the tech call  him in so he can see the evil fibroid for himself and decide what he thinks we should do.  He really is the best though.  I know he is trying to weigh the surgery against just letting me go into labor to see if the fibroid moves on its own because he doesn't want to do the surgery unnecessarily.  But then he always acknowledges that he knows what it took for us to be here, and he doesn't want to take any unnecessary risks with my delivery either.  I trust him immensely, and am definitely looking forward to seeing what he has to say in a couple weeks.

My placenta:  No more previa, but still low lying.  We'll be looking at this closely in a couple of weeks too.

My belly:  Large.  Last week I got a "you are getting SO BIG" from an idiot co-worker.  I have still only gained about 22 pounds, which I consider to be good for where I am - 31 weeks.

The babe: Active.  Especially at night.  He doesn't so much wake me up, my bladder needs or pain in my hands, arms, hips, shoulders take care of that.  But once I turn over, or get back in bed after my pee break, boy does he get to rockin sometimes.  Although last night I was mildly annoyed and really wanted to sleep, I seriously enjoy putting my hand on my belly and feeling all the bumps and motion.  I just lay there and think "that's my baby.  I can't wait to meet you baby!"

My state of mind: Varies.  I go from excited to totally freaked out in the blink of an eye.  I have a whole bunch of baby clothes at home, and detergent to wash them with.  But yet every time I try to take the tags off, this nagging sense of doom overcomes me.  As if taking the tags off will cause something bad to happen.  Logically my brain knows it doesn't work that way, but tell that to my neurotic pregnant emotional core and it does not compute!

The nursery furniture arrives next week, hopefully that will get me moving on actually making progress on the room.

As an aside, we've asked our family and friends to abide by a "no baby showers" rule.  While there was some initial disappointment, mostly from T's family, I think that we eventually achieved mutual understanding that it was just too much for us.  The prospect of having this pregnancy on display as the focus of a couple parties, and bringing scads of baby gear into the house before the babe's arrival just made us both queasy.  After that sank in, people started requesting that we at least register at the big-box-super-baby-store-from-hell.  After lots of research, mostly on my part, we did.  I put together a practical, sensible list of about 25-30 items, priced from $9.99 up to about $150.

Since that day, people have done nothing but complain to me that there is NOT! ENOUGH! STUFF! on our registry.  Keep in mind, we're sharing it with a limited amount of people, we both have small family/friends circles and we're not having showers.  I'm not sure why its necessary to go in and register for things just for the sake of registering for them.  In addition, we are getting a couple of things as hand-me-down items, so no need to register for those.

I have just about run out of patience with the whole scene.  We only registered to stop people from clamoring about how we just HAD to register.  And now that we did, for some reason its not good enough?  It's as if people don't trust us enough to govern our own lives and know what we need for our baby.  And guess what?  If we come home and realize we forgot something that we just can't live without?  The stores will still be open then, won't they?

Aside from that rant, things are going along well.  All I can think about now - I just can't wait to meet my little baby, no matter how he gets here!

Arrghh!

So - maybe drinking part of a can of seltzer water just prior to your Glucose Tolerance Test can cause you to fail.

Then again, maybe you just have gestational diabetes because - well, why not?

Why would you be allowed a normal pregnancy?  One where there is no drama over fibroids, low lying placentas, possible, bleeding, premature labor and now gestational diabetes?  Obviously way too much to ask for!

On to the three hour test this Wednesday.  I so do not feel like dealing with this!

Sick Day

Let me preface this by saying I almost never get sick.  I can't even remember the last time I had a cold.  It could have been 4, maybe 5 years ago.

So why does my body wait until I am 7 months pregnant to finally catch another one?  When I can't take anything for it except a cough drop or two?  Ugh - how frustrating.  Actually, both the hubs and I were sick over the weekend - he with his second stomach virus since Christmas, and me with the cold.  My body seems to be taking an extraordinary amount of time to batlle this sucker, and its starting to get frustrating.  I took today off to get some extra rest and hope things get better for me tomorrow.

Turning to pregnancy news, I had an ob appointment last week.  To my surprise, doc seems to have swung the pendulum back to "c-section" from "wait and see."  I'm not sure what could have caused the swing since I haven't had any further ultrasound testing since last time.  Maybe a more careful reading of the last report?  He did admit that his MFM colleague who wrote my last ultrasound report, put in writing "fibroid in lower uterine segment will most likely block vaginal delivery."  Apparently for doctors, who are often loathe to put strong opinions in writing, this was quite a declaration.

Although we won't be making the final decision on this for another 5-7 weeks, doc decided it was best to get me on the surgical schedule sooner rather than later.  This way I have a slot - which we can always cancel.  So the big day could be - April 1st!  Yes, an April Fool's Day baby!  Doc told me if the date gave me pause, we could always reschedule - with another doctor.  Not an option for me.  I love, love, love this doc - and that is high praise coming from me, the #1 ob/gyn critic I know!

My next ultrasound is next week, and I head back to the ob on 2/3 to get a read on what is happening with the fibroid.  No matter what, I will probably get another u/s or two before we make our decision on the c-section.  Fibroid aside, I can't wait to get another look at my little boy and how much he has grown in the last 8 weeks!

Yesterday was my one hour glucose screening.  I was not feeling well, being particularly worn out from lack of sleep because of my cold - maybe that's the reason I almost cried when the lab tech scolded me.  You see, to me, "non-fasting" means you can drink and eat prior to the test, no?  Well, I don't have much of an appetite due to the cold, so the only thing I had with me when I checked in was a can of seltzer water.  I am trying to stay hydrated since I am sick, but I was also anticpating having to give  a urine sample for a urine culture, and I wanted to be ready.  In any case, the tech and her cohort behind the counter insisted that the small amount of seltzer I drank prior to the test could mess up my results and cause me to fail, because it would water down the glucose drink in my stomach.  I'm no scientist, but I don't see how 4 oz of water could do that.  And if that was the case, why isn't that part of the instructions for the test?

Anyway, I decided to take my chances.  Hopefully it comes out fine, and I don't have to move on to the three hour.  I don't expect to hear anything from my doctor unless I fail.  So here's to no phone calls! 

Lastly, my friends - today marks 27 weeks for me.  I still wake up in the morning (usually to big kicks and punches from inside my belly) amazed, and kind of shocked, truly, that we are here.  Its unfathomable to me that in less than three months time, we will actually be able to put a little baby in a seat in the back of our car, and bring him home.  The closer we get to that day, the more I find myself beliving that its actually going to happen!

Bring on 2009!

In honor of an historic achievement this morning, I decided to post.  You see, about a month ago I finally made the switch from monitoring all the blogs I read on Bloglines to doing so via Google Reader.  I am more than pleased with the switch.  As a bonus, it also forced me to "clean house" by deleting some blogs I have become less interested in, or those whose authors are no longer posting, etc.

In any case, after doing all the work to make the shift, somehow I let myself lag behind in reading, and suddenly I had hundreds of unread feeds.  Well, I started tackling them over the holidays, and finished the last of my unread ones this morning.  I actually have ZERO unread feeds right now.  WOO HOO!

So - on to the holidays.  While we did the usual amount of running around and trying to make everyone happy, I did notice they were far less sad for me this year.  I wouldn't exactly say I got a lot of joy out of them either (except for the two hours on Christmas morning spent blissfully alone with my hubby, opening our gifts and drinking cocoa!) but the pain, sadness and grief - they weren't really there either, at least not on the surface anyway.  Sure there was some background stuff, but nothing like last year when in the midst of one kid gift-opening frenzy I had to excuse myself and go cry in a back bedroom.

This year, instead, there was lots of talk of what next year will be like with our little one.  How things will change, how much different the holidays will look and feel with him around.  It's hope.  It's forward thinking, instead of the usual dwelling over the past.  Thinking about what we have, rather than focusing on all we've lost.  It's been nice.  Heck - the little guy made out like a bandit THIS Christmas and hes not even here yet.  Parents, aunts, cousins, siblings - seems none of them could resist putting a little something for "baby" under the tree.  Though this makes the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss part of my brain want to explode, I do appreciate the sentiment.  

And lastly, speaking of the little man, things seem to be progressing just fine in there.  At my last ob appointment, my doc confirmed that the placenta previa had been upgraded to simply "low lying."  This is good, and apparently takes automatic c-section off the table.  His growth and everyting else appear to be fine.  I've developed quite a belly, and there is no mistaking it - I look pregnant big time.

I'm pleased to note I've only gained about 14-15 pounds at this point (25 weeks) and I am feeling pretty good.  Heartburn and trouble getting comfortable in bed are pretty much my top complaints.  I can manage those.  Next up is another ob appointment after the new year (1/8), the one hour glucola challenge (1/12), and a 28 week ultrasound (1/20) to make sure growth is still on target and that the evil fibroid isn't getting in my boy's way.

I still am amazed we've made it this far, and every time the little man kicks me (and trust me, that is a LOT lately) I can't help but smile a big old smile. 

Resurfacing

We've had a pretty uneventful month over here, spent mostly working, sleeping, and alternately worried and excited about the little life flopping around in my belly.

You'll have to forgive the rambling nature of this post; I am exceptionally emotionally drained today.

I started feeling movement a couple of weeks ago, though I wasn't sure it was anything.  But the flutters became stronger and more frequent approaching my last ob/gyn appointment.  When I described the feeling to him, he confirmed I was really feeling movement!  What a thrill that has truly been!

Unfortuntely at my appointment, my ob was also the bearer of bad news.  It seems at my 16 week ultrasound, I was diagnosed with complete placenta previa.  He did note it was still early, and that it could possibly move, so we should simply remain cautious (read: no sex) until told otherwise.  Although allegedly previas don't typically cause bleeding until the third trimester (something to look forward to!), he noted I could also see bleeding prior to that and if so, I should report it immediately.

Fast forward to today, my 20 week growth ultrasound.  I was pretty nervous going in to it, and didn't sleep well last night.  I find I am no longer worried about the baby not being alive, but rather that it will have some awful abnormality that will result in his/her death shortly after birth.

I know - the way my brain works is disturbing.

In any case, my worries were for naught.  All sorts of angles were looked at, and body parts measured.  Everything appeared as normal as could be.  Measurements were great, and they even said something about his estimated weigt being right on target, though I can't for the life of me remember what it was.

You may have noticed a slip or two - I referred to the baby a couple times here as "he."  Yep, we found out today we are having a baby boy!  We truthfully didn't have a preference - healthy was our number one critera.  But to know we have a beautiful little guy in there - we are just thrilled to pieces.

I do feel relief knowing all is well in there, but the nervous factor is still hanging in there, and unfortunately I think it will stay for quite some time.  Bit by bit, however, I feel myself let more of the joy and excitement in - I hope that trend continues.

Lastly, the jury is still out on the previa.  Apparently my lower uterine segment is so distorted by our friend the fibroid, the tech wasn't completely sure where my cervix was.  Both the firboid and the placenta seem to be in that general area however, so I am starting to feel my chances of a c-section are pretty strong.  The perinatologist will dictate when they want to see me again after reading my films.  My best guess is somewhere around 28 weeks to double check little man's growth and ensure the fibroid isn't in his way.

I feel very blessed today.  Truly I am in awe that we've even made it this far.  And I am so excited about getting to meet this little guy sometime soon!

Blissfully normal

Today, I was consumed with dead baby thoughts.  By the time I pulled into the parking lot at the maternal-fetal medicine office, my hands were literally shaking at the wheel.

I hopped up on the table while the tech asked why my Dr. ordered the u/s.  Too embarrassed to say "Because I am neurotic!", I said something like "umm . . . I think he is concerned about my fibroid?"  Unfortunately, this caused her to zoom in first on the fibroid, measuring away and looking at it from all sorts of different angles.  I couldn't see the little one while this was going on, and I was trying to remain calm.  Unfortunately, my husband's trembling, cold hand holding on to mine didn't help in that department.

Soon, she moved on to the "guest of honor," as she referred to it.  I was amazed how much more detail we could see today.  She measured and examined the heart, brain, kidneys, abdomen, both femurs, and spine.  She pronounced each one either "normal," or "good."  We were in and out in about 20 minutes.

The fibroid has grown.  Last scan I think we were around 7.5 cm.  Today was closer to 10.  Eeek!  Still, there doesn't seem to be any worry about it disturbing the babe.  It appears to still be in the way of a vaginal delivery, but that could change.  And the reality for me is this: as long as there is a real live healthy baby at the end of this road, I really don't care much how it gets here.

Obviously, we will be able to see things in more detail at the 20 week anatomy scan.  But for now, I am happy, and the anxiety has been dialed down a bit.  Though I still don't have my "a-ha" moment, I do feel incrementally closer to something good, something joyful.  I do think this is going to happen for us.

Lost Voice

I have been lacking in the post department for a couple of reasons.  Most importantly I am starting to feel like I just use this space to spew my fear and anxiety about this pregnancy.  And who wants to keep reading that over and over?  Seriously.  Especially from an IF point of view.  If I were me, reading my blog before I got pregnant - I think I'd be sick of my whining by now.

So I've just felt like I couldn't - or shouldn't post if that makes any sense.  I don't want to hurt anyone, or to have people run screaming from this place because I've posted yet another intolerable whine about how HARD it is to be pregnant after multiple losses.

I don't think I've expressed here very much how truly thankful I am to even be in this position.  Although it's terrifying and has really not brought out the best in me, I truly am in awe that I even made it here.  I wouldn't give it back for anything - and fear and all, I so want this for everyone else who is still trying to attain it.  Truly.

In terms of playing a bit of catch up, lest anybody wonder if I've fallen off the face of the earth, here's a small list of developments.

• They did NOT miscalculate my Down's odds.  For some unknown reason, they came back higher than the age related risk (1:880) for a 21 year old.  It had to do with the markers in the blood work.  My Dr. was not overly concerned about it since the test overall screened as negative.  However, he was very supportive about  my anxiety and encouraged me to have a CVS or amnio when/if I want to be sure everything is ok.  So far, I have declined.  In a generous move, he noted on my chart his concern about my fibroid and any impact it might have on the baby's growth - meaning I get another ultrasound before the 20 week anatomy scan.  He did it with a "wink, wink" type look - with me fully knowing he's not concerned about any of those things, he's just giving me another chance to look in on the little one and allay some fear and anxiety.

• I told my boss.  I was starting to feel guilty, as we are doing lots of planning for next year at this point in our business cycle, and there are things I know I won't be here for in the spring and summer due to my maternity leave.  She jumped out of her chair, screamed and hugged me vigorously when I told her the news.  I'm not sure what I was expecting, but that wasn't it.  I'm not "out" to anybody else at work yet, but I am going to have to do that soon.

• Oddly, she seemed to know we were "trying," that we had previous "problems," and were pursuing fertility treatments.  I never told her any of this.  There is only one person I told in the office - and it was an extremely abbreviated version at that.  I'm not very close with my coworkers, and tend to be a very private person in the workplace.  My admission to her was at a work party after a couple cocktails when she confided she had done IUIs to have her daughter, gently noting I didn't have any kids.  I distinctly remember asking her not to share what I told her with anyone.  Guess she didn't listen.

• I am getting bigger.  I put a ton of clothes away last weekend, and my wardrobe is down to two pairs of pants that button, one I have to use safety pins to secure, and a couple tops.  I need to do some maternity clothes shopping, but for some reason am terrified of doing so.

• T and I bravely walked through the baby section of Tar*get last weekend, and it did not kill me.

I'll post some news after my ultrasound tomorrow.  Hopefully, everything will be looking great in there, but of course I'm having a hard time stopping myself from worrying about it.

Out of Sorts

I've been waiting for some time now.  Waiting, that is, for my "a-ha" moment.

The moment when the clouds will part, the heavens will sing, and I will suddenly be blessed with a positive attitude about this pregnancy.  And soon to follow that moment, the development that I will even let the dreaded emotion - excitement - into my life!

Well, it just. ain't. happening.

First came my full results from the First Trimester Screen.  The nurse called, and happily told me my results were negative.  She then proceeded to give me my risk scores.  First up, risk of Down Syndrome.  1:290.  Second, risk of Trisomy 18.  1 in 10,000.  She then reiterated that these scores are good.  I was still soaking it all in when we said our goodbyes.  By the time I processed it all, I realized it was after 4pm and there was no use calling her back.  I have my second regular OB appointment tomorrow, so I resolved to talk to him about it, rather than trying to get concrete answers from the nurse.

What I think happened is they calculated this based on my age, not the donor's.  I asked about this a couple times on test day, and was assured the risk scores would be calculated on 21 years old, not 36.  By everything I have read, if you "pass" the test, it decreases your age appropriate risk two to four fold.  There is no way that a 21 year old's average odds of having a child with Down's even approaches that 1:290 number.

Anyway, despite the fact that I am fairly confident about them quoting the wrong risk numbers for me, I still felt off my game all weekend. 

Even before all of this, during the test, when the tech told us the measurement was normal, much better results than the first time we had this test, I felt some relief - but not the overwhelming sensation I had imagined.  Throughout the week, people kept asking me if I was relieved, and if I felt I could finally relax now.  I said yes many times, but I realized I was lying.

I don't feel better.  I still can't talk or think about this pregnancy in absolutes.  I am terrified.  Terrified and sad.  The sadness is for what I've lost - not just the babies I've lost, the embryos that never developed, the years of unfulfilled dreams . . . but now I feel like I've lost the right to be joyful about being pregnant.  Somewhere in the last five years, it was taken from me.  And for weeks now, I just kept pointing to this test - feeling in my heart it would be my time to let go of the fear and anxiety, and let in the joy.  But it hasn't been my time for that.  In fact, it hasn't been that at all.

I still speak in terms of "if," not "when."  And I'm wondering now if I will ever be able to get myself there at all.  At this point, it feels like it may not be until the little one is here with us, and I can hold him (or her) and see for myself that its true.

Just the thought of feeling like this for oh, 27 more weeks makes me feel like I just want to crawl under the covers for the rest of this pregnancy, not to emerge until its been proven to me in real life that pregnancy = baby. 

First Trimester Screen

Well, we made it through the first trimester screening.  It was actually rather uneventful.

The u/s tech poked around for a bit, taking measurements here and there, and not really saying much, when I said, "We had this test before and it was very bad so we're kind of anxious."  Right away, she said "Oh - well I can tell you right now before I even measure - its within range."  Cue major sigh of relief.

I watched her take a couple of the nuchal translucency measurements and they were all in the 1.4-1.5 range if I remember correctly.  Blessedly normal.  I won't have the full results (they combine the measurements with the blood test) until next week, but I expect the odds to be low, especially based on the 21 year old egg we used!

We then had our perinatal consult.  After going through my 5  year sob story of loss and failed cycles, the Dr. was quick to say everything looks really good this time and she has no worries.  Well - make that one worry.  I have a fibroid that is growing quickly - and it sits low in my pelvis, quite close to my cervix.  Its about the size of a tennis ball now.  Ultimately she said this can cause a couple things - one is a problem with the baby's presentation - he/she may stay breech or transverse because there's just not room to turn.  The other is that even if baby is head down, the birth canal is just too tight to deliver the head.  So we'd be looking at a c-section.  Another possibility she described is pain if the sucker starts to degenerate.  I am hoping to avoid that because she said she had it happen to her and its horribly painful.  But she also said its rare, so we'll hope to stay on the pain free side of those odds.

They just plan on monitoring me closely in the third trimester to see how things develop in there.

Other than that, she told me I should just continue on like a plain old normal pregnant lady!

Next up - my second regular ob appointment next week.